Beautiful heartbreak.

First and foremost -- after downing a Rancherito's burrito and a momma-sized Macey's ice cream cone, I'd like to share the news that I'm pregnant with twins.

...at least until tomorrow night.

Also -- I know some of you might have read my post on Facebook, but my good friend Rachel Brown told me about the CROWN Project blog. I was personally invited by one of the administrators to make a submission to their blog!

"If you are interested we would love to have you write your personal thoughts about the issue of self esteem/self worth. I do not know if you have had trials or things that have helped you shape or find your self worth/ esteem but that might be a GREAT thing to share."

See? Well, I am going to share the following post, but I want some feedback before I submit it! Facebook message me your thoughts!

Here it goes...

I think it's safe to say that we've all had that one major heartbreak that crushed us so bad that we did anything to seek revenge. Am I right? Well, that happened to me once. It was the summer after my senior year. Ultimately, I was friend-zoned by one of the sweetest, most charismatic yet biggest cowboy casanovas out there. Don't get me wrong, he's a great friend of mine... but I hated him for a solid three months. During those three months, I starved myself. And by "starved" myself, I mean I ate 500 calories or less everyday for three months straight just to show him how nice I looked in a size 6 pair of Express jeans at my "going away" party before I left for college. Did it feel good to go from a size 10 to a 6 for the first time since 7th grade? Absolutely. But has it sabotaged and affected the rest of my life? Yes. Because now I will forever think back to and obsess over how nice 130lb. felt. And, truth be told, I'll probably never be that tiny again unless I result to anorexia, bulimia, or liposuction. (Which, I can't say hasn't been tempting to do.)

As fascinating as that little story was, it's not why I'm sitting here writing this post.

It all started when a friend of mine emailed me about this CROWN Project blog. She's a frequent blog follower of mine, and I was flattered when she suggested that I write a post to submit. I had never heard about this blog before, so I considered it but also pushed it in the back of my mind. But... after "liking" the page on Facebook, I was personally invited to submit an article, essay or simply my thoughts about how the trials I've gone through have affected my self-esteem and my own perception of my self-worth. So, here I am!

Going back to heartbreak, I think it's the ultimate blow to a girl's self-esteem.

In high school and in my first couple years of college, I was pretty confident in myself. I wasn't necessarily narcissistic, but I was comfortable with who I was and generally the way I looked. Sure, I had my moments of thinking I was "fat" -- but what girl doesn't? My freshman-junior year of college, I dated. I dated a lot. In fact, I had roommates who harassed me for going out with a different guy every weekend. Flattered, that I was. However... it wasn't until I met my most recent... well, ex-boyfriend that I realized what it really meant to be loved for who I was rather than flirted with because of what I looked like. His name was Tyler. And I thought I'd never love anyone else for the rest of my life.

After three short months, we were engaged to be married. It was March 2012, and we planned to be married on September 1, 2012. It was a great, loving relationship built on the strongest friendship I've ever had with anyone in my entire life. He was my rock and I was his. We were convinced we could take on the world. We loved each other. And everyone else loved us, too. To say the least, I had never been happier.

To make a long, sad, sob-story short... I called off our engagement exactly ten days before the wedding. I felt strongly that it wasn't the right thing to do, and, ultimately after coming to grips with the whole situation, I realized that it wasn't something that I wanted to do. I chose not to marry him. And, now... I have to live with that decision.

After breaking up with Tyler, I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there for the rest of my life. The funniest part is -- I didn't even realize my self-esteem had been tainted in the least bit. I was simply heartbroken. I was convinced that I would never, ever find anyone like him ever again. He was my best friend; who would ever love me the way he did? How could I find another one just like him? Truth is, I wouldn't. This lasted for a solid three months: September-November.

During this solid three months, I started a new blog. I had blogged in the past, but I hardly posted links to it publicly for people to read. In fact, I was ashamed and embarrassed of people knowing my true self and how I felt about my social and love life... or, lack thereof.

This new blog, however, was created as a "venting place" for anyone and everyone who voluntarily wanted to crawl inside my crazy, heartbroken, hot-messy head. It was titled "A New Day...with a slight chance of thunderstorms." On this blog, I wrote about happy things... funny stories and silly embarrassing moments. But, during the "thunderstorms" I mostly expressed my very frank and blunt opinion about life and how hard it really was. Sure, I could pretend it was fine and dandy... but, we all know it really wasn't.

Over the span of those few months, I got emails and messages from people all over Facebook -- people from high school to middle-aged women from church! I'd get messages ranging from "I know we don't really talk that much, but I LOVE your blog!" to "This may seem really creepy, but I read your blog and I just love how frank and honest you are!" In fact, I still get those emails and I LOVE THEM! I'm not only flattered, but their love and support has kept me writing and given me the confidence to be who I am without being ashamed of it. And the best part -- it's no longer a "thunderstorm" blog. As the healing process has progressed, I've changed the title to "Pretty and Witty."

Also, this may seem silly... But as I've gained this confidence to be who I am via blogging, I've also had the courage to get back on my feet and tackle life again. Sure, it's not easy. But I've found the courage to go out again. Like... date again. Granted, it took me six months, but I'm finally here. Not only that, but I'm finally confident enough in myself to realize that I don't have to settle for the first guy that comes my way. I am no longer desperate enough to think that I need to marry the first guy that asks me... Unlike most in the Mormon culture sometimes think, it's OKAY to "feel 22" and single! After all, isn't life all about feeling "miserable, magical and lonely at the same time" anyway?!

Being engaged and doing all the "engaged" stuff has taught me that it's not all roses and that life is not a fairy tale... even with a ring on your finger. I learned that I am a beautiful daughter of a loving God who isn't going to make me settle for anything less than someone that's perfect for me. Ladies, you don't have to settle. Even if you're engaged... it's never too late to find your very own Prince Charming. Will he be the first guy that takes you out this weekend? Will he be the first one who calls you beautiful or even the first to tell you that he loves you? Probably not. But you don't have to settle for less while waiting for him.

You're going to get heartbroken. Unfortunately... it's what dating is all about. Like I always say, it's breaking hearts until you find someone who doesn't crush your own. But, please... don't learn it the hard way like I had to --

 Don't be afraid to stand alone while you're waiting for him.

THOUGHTS?

Message me via FB if you have something to say!

This road is anything but simple.

So I was talking to my good friend, Brittany Darnell, about that one thing that drives all of us girls absolutely crazy.

Yeah, crazy.

Dating. 

It all started... well, we'll just say when I was watching the Bachelor on one tab and messaging her on the other (quite the life, I know). 

She asked me if I had a "thing" with a mutual friend of ours a long time ago. Truth be told, no... I didn't. Did I have a crush on him? Yeah, but I thought he friend-zoned me. From what she says, apparently he may have had a crush on me, too. And... needless to say, it obviously didn't go anywhere. 

Then 2012 happened, and the rest is history.

And then we talked about how we are all just chasing each other. Seriously -- think about it. You're chasing one person while they're chasing another while that person is chasing another person... We're all just chasing after, dating, spending money on, and kissing everyone else's future spouses. And the reality of it all is... we're just breaking everyone else's hearts until we find someone who doesn't crush our own. Am I right? 

Okay, I could be wrong. But, if you ask me, it's just a different perspective of looking at things.

And then I think about boys and girls... and how they do the "heart breaking" very differently. 

For instance...

In my perspective, we girls are just straight up. Well, sometimes. You have the girls who simply won't respond to a guy's plea. If they think you're creepy, they'll ignore you until you just give up. And then you have the "nice" girls... who, quite frankly, aren't straight up. They'll be nice and reply to you, but they'll make up excuses until the sun goes down. Guys, I hate to say this... but this is a hint. If they want to hang out with you, they'll drop everything -- absolutely EVERYTHING to hang out with you. And -- if they don't drop everything, they'll at least say "Hey, I'm busy Friday. But what about Saturday?" If they don't give you that option... then please, just stop. Stop trying. You have better things to chase after.

But guys... Oh, guys. I am tempted to just say boys. Yes, BOYS. Some are good at not responding and not leading girls on... And girls, you gotta just take the hint. If he doesn't respond or doesn't text you, doesn't call or ask you out -- STOP checking your phone because he's not going to suddenly text you one day. And if he does? It's because Plan A didn't work out like he'd hoped. Please, don't be a Plan B. If he looks like a tool, hangs out in the toolshed... he's probably a tool. As lonely as you might be... yeah, just sitting there and updating yourself on the Bachelor on a given Friday night, don't give in. Just eat your ice cream -- or go running. (I'm on a Bachelor high today, don't judge me.) ANYWAY -- then you have the guys who are into you. They'll come over, cuddle with you, talk to you for hours as they play with your hands and whisper sweet nothings in your ear... And then you wake up the next day. And suddenly, for whatever reason... they've dropped off the face of the earth. As much as you'd like to take credit for pushing them off a cliff, you can't. Because they didn't fall... Instead, they chose to soar away like a vulture with your beating heart that they ripped off your sleeve. The worst part is... they leave you hanging there on the edge wondering what happened, why they left you or worse... what better or prettier girl they've found. And sometimes -- well, oftentimes... you never really find out what exactly happened. Typical.

Okay, that was a little much. I apologize. But it's true.  

But anyway, my point -- dating is so STUPID.

This is why I liked being engaged. I thought I'd never have to do it again.

I'll go finish my episode of the Bachelor now.

Some might call me crazy.

First and foremost -- there is something ridiculously therapeutic about a hot shower. I don't know what it is, but it gets my brain just flowing with ideas and relaxes my mind all at the same time like nothing else. (Okay lies -- running does the latter, but showering definitely gets the brain juices flowing.) I would almost say that watching the Bachelor does the same thing -- but I honestly can't. Watching other girls sit at home while the man they "love" is out with some other girl, quite frankly, just frustrates me and makes me extremely jealous for them. I know that feeling all too well. And it hurts.

Alright so I have this friend who's an old roommate of mine. She lived with me at La Jolla in Winter 2010 -- way long ago. Well, lately we've been talking/updating each other on our lives via Facebook chat and she has this crazy life story (well, dating story) that I have to blog about because it really brings out the "opinionated" aka... crazy side of me. (Don't worry -- I got her permission.)

Anyway -- so a little background information: Like me, she also recently got out of a really serious relationship. Although she wasn't engaged, it was coming. She ended it for similar reasons I did, and I seriously feel her pain so strongly that it hurts sometimes. She's been single for about two months now and she's finally starting to date again. In fact, she has a date every weekend. No joke she's a dating MACHINE. However, she's having a really hard time because the guys she goes out with just "don't compare" to her ex. (Yes, roll your eyes -- I did, too.) It's obviously something she needs to get over, but it's extremely hard for her because I guess they just "clicked" right away. (Understandable -- I can seriously empathize here.) Anyway -- so it's really hard for her to enjoy the dates she's going on because none of them have been what he was to her.

So she told me about a week ago that there's this guy she met who is way chill and super fun to be around. I guess he's a really good listener and will just let her talk, talk and talk (which -- this girl is gonna need a man like him! HA! Sorry girl, I had to.) Well, they've been out on one official date, but they hang out like 5/7 days a week. Long story short -- he eventually kissed her after a short amount of time, and I think it freaked them both out...

Well, since then, I guess he's been acting really strange. It's almost like he's a different person in different situations, and she doesn't know how to handle it. I mean, it's understandable considering they're not even "official" and whatnot -- but he hardly texts her anymore, and if they hang out it's always her initiating it! (AHH! This drives me NUTS because she needs to STOP!) So anyway -- She finally brought it up to him that she really likes him. When she goes on other dates, she can't even enjoy them because he's the one that's always in the back of her mind, yadda, yadda, yadda... She basically THREW herself out there and put her heart right in front of him to utterly and completely CRUSH. Although she agrees they're both not at all ready for a relationship, she just wanted to know if it will ever go in that direction. Because if not? She's wasting her time, effort and feelings to building this friendship that won't ever go anywhere beyond friends. Sure, a new friend is nice... but after you cross that "kissing" line, things are never the same. So, unlike you'd think -- he handled it really well. In fact, he took her by the hand and told her that he really likes her, but he didn't know what else to say. I guess the DTR went "well," but they agreed they'd talk more about it later on when he had formulated his thoughts about the whole situation.

Understandable.

But... they've hardly talked since then.

Like.. I guess, a whole 5 texts.

And now she just sits and waits and anticipates a text... like every 5 minutes.

Such a typical GIRL.

Well this girl (she even knows) is totally not ready for a relationship. Just like me, her breakup was recent and not the prettiest. She needs to date, date, DATE before she commits to anyone! And if she's anything like me -- she's scared of heartbreak.

Yet she's slowly but surely being heartbroken because she's sitting and waiting around on this guy who clearly doesn't see what's standing RIGHT in FRONT of him. This girl is an absolute catch and any guy would kill to have her -- seriously! Like I said, she has a date every freaking weekend! And yet... she's waiting around on him.

Ladies, why... why... WHY do we do this to ourselves? I've been through similar experiences to this one -- and every time I ask myself, "WHY do we do this?!" We are clearly capable of having any guy, yet we always want those ones we can't have. Or, the ones who break our hearts. Or, the ones who just aren't "ready" for a relationship.

Thoughts??

Alright I'm done.

I'm stressed. I need to go running.

But I just showered.

Story of my LIFE.

"These are the best years of your life."

So, serious post.

Tonight my roommate, Hannah, and I had the best conversation... And then I just had a flood of thoughts come to me that I just have to get out there. With that being said, forgive the brevity of this post -- I have a headache and I'm suddenly really emotional, so I will get to my point now.

We were just talking about how life at this time in our lives is so confusing... and so overwhelming. There are so many decisions to make -- intellectually, socially, emotionally, spiritually, physically...

Questions consume our lives from the ages 18-25 that we have always, up until this point, avoided at all costs. What should I be when I grow up? What should I study? Where should I study? Should I get an education at all? Who should I date? Who should I marry? Should I wait to get married until I'm done with school? Should I go on a mission? Should I just do what my parents tell me to do? Should I do what society tells me to do? What should I pray about? What don't I need to pray about? Should I eat cereal or eggs for breakfast? 

I think you get my point.

Thinking about the decisions I've had to make in the last six months just makes me so emotional...  I think we oftentimes forget our potential and how much our Heavenly Father trusts us to make these life-altering decisions at such a young age. It's just incredible how He gives us principles to guide us, but in the end -- we have the agency to choose for ourselves what to do. And the hardest part is... 99% of our options are all good choices! It's just a matter of choosing, and choosing fearlessly. We not only must trust Him, but trust ourselves!

He knows us, and He won't leave us alone -- but he will let US choose for ourselves.

Decision making is hard, and I realized it's only going to get harder and harder as I get older nad one day make decisions for my family and my future children! But then I realized this -- as we continue to make these difficult, life-altering decisions, we become more and more like Him. THAT is where the growth happens! And that is how we become like our Father in Heaven. Where's the fun and growth in someone else making decisions for us?

Exactly.

Wow. #mindblown

...and I just sit here on Pinterest.

Some are sappy... some are hilarious... and some are #SOTRUE.

One day... it will be this way.

.... #guilty

It happens.

RELATABLE.

I've used that line once or twice...

OHMYGOSH I LOL'D...

I do it all the time... life is crazy.

Annnnnd... one more thing. 

I MISS THEM.

And this one's just for kicks. 

Don't worry, I wasn't really driving.

I miss them so much!