Missrepresentation

First off -- as much as I love acrylics, it's really unfortunate that you can't see my fingers as I attempt to type this post right now. I seriously wish I could film this just to humor you. It's really, really hard. I don't know how girls do it. In fact, I even had to watch this video on YouTube to learn how to function with nails.

How to Function with Nails

KIDDING.

But I really hope you watched the video...it's worth the 4:32 minutes of your life.

Secondly...

Have you ever watched the documentary called Missrepresentation?

OK, I promise -- it's really worth an hour of your life and it's life CHANGING. It's even on Netflix!

It's about how the media has completely altered and destroyed the perception of what a woman is and "should" be. Because I don't want to ruin the film for you, I will just say that I'm guilty or "trapped" or stuck in this lie that every woman should be fit and good looking -- after all, "When all else fails, at least look cute," right? Or, my favorite (that I seriously live by), "It's better to arrive late than ugly."

It's time to get OUT of that trap!

NOW -- I'm ALL about confidence and living life as if the world is your runway. Every girl should feel that confident, but the sad thing is that we DON'T. If you're a girl reading this, I'm 99.9% positive that you've struggled with one (or all) of the following:

• Self-doubt
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Discouragement

ALL because of your body image or the way you look. Am I right? Actually, there's no need to answer because I already know the answer, and it's either a yes or a HECK yes. (I can only say that because I'm also 110% guilty.)

Girls, it's a problem -- a SERIOUS problem. When are we going to stand up and just say NO?! 

"Lose weight."

No.

"Change your hair color."

No.

"Wear these clothes."

No.

"Buy this push-up bra."

No.

"Look like Beyonce."

NO!

When will we ever realize that we're enough? Will that ever happen? Or are we just going to sit here on Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram and just compare ourselves to every other girl out there?  

Think about it this way: For every girl that you've coveted the hair of or envied the body of... can you imagine all the girls that have envied you? For your amazing smile, luscious locks, stellar calves or rockin' cheekbones? Just let that sink in. 

When you stare at yourself in the mirror, you may see pasty white skin, cellulite on your thighs, clown-feet on a body that's only 5'3", droopy old-man ears, wrinkly hands, massive calves and chipmunk cheeks...

But if only you knew what everyone else sees.

Those thick, golden locks are to die for and that smile... That smile steals more hearts than you know. And that little dimple on your left cheek? That cute little birthmark is a rare gem that only comes out when you blush. And let's not forget that rockin' behind of yours. Beyonce might have it, but it's rare on a white girl -- count your blessings.

When we look in the mirror, how often do we SMILE and say, "Wow. I'm beautiful"...?

Try it. I dare you.

This means war.

So my precious roommate, Jac, and I watch a movie together at least once a week. She introduces me to new movies each week, and I try to stay awake. (No, I'm not insulting Jac's taste in movies -- I'm saying that I'm exhausted by 8:30, but I refuse to go to bed because I can't sleep for more than 8-9 hours at a time.)

My FAVORITE movie so far has been Far and Away with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. If you're into the whole romance/drama/comedy thing, I highly recommend it. I'm obsessed.

And the title of this blog post... Have you ever seen that movie? This Means War?

Oh. My. Life.

#tinderprobs

We hadn't even been watching the movie for ten minutes before I turned to Jac and said, "Wow! Reese Witherspoon's hair is amazing in this movie!"

Then ten more minutes went by...

And I realized I had the same haircut.

And I do my hair the exact same way.

All the time.

She has good taste.

Please, do you see that "Utah" poof she's got goin' on?!

(Oh, and Maddie Hicks = Chelsea Lately in this movie. Just saying.)

ANYWAY.

This whole daylight savings time thing is seriously killing me. The fact that it's already dark by 5:30 is really, really depressing me. Not only is it dark and dreary, but I feel like I get lazy when it's dark this early. Since it feels like 9:30 (when it's actually 6:30), I treat life like it's 9:30 and do NOTHING for hours on end until it's time to go to bed! It sounds ridiculous but it's true!

No wonder people get fat in the winter.

But seriously.

So, with that being said... I feel lazy. But in my defense, the last six months have been terrible because I pretty much broke my leg back in June. (Okay, a stress fracture in my femur -- but it's just as painful, if not more painful than a broken leg.) Because it's my femur, they couldn't really do anything for it except tell me "Don't run on it for 8-12 weeks."

It's been 24 weeks.

Still not running.

December 3rd... that's the day.

Please, Dr. Jackson... please tell me I can run again.

Kiss & Run

I guess in order to get my "followers" back I better start actually posting on a regular basis, eh? I guess my problem is that I only blog when I have a strong, passionate, and fiery opinion about something... maybe that's how I lose followers, too? It's possible.

Anyway -- a few things today.

First order of business:

A friend of mine came over to visit yesterday and gave me this book. My initial reaction? I laughed. I'm not a commitaphobe!

And then I read the first page.

And then realized someone else other than Taylor Swift has been following me around and writing about my life.

For instance:

Page 1: "Let's face it - many women can't even commit to a lunch date, let alone a lifelong relationship."
Confession: I'm the queen of flaking out on lunch dates.

Page 2: "But take Susan, for example. At 33, she's a successful event planner who has dated numerous men, broken many hearts (including that of an ex-fiance), and had her fair share of heartbreak. Much as she wants to meet "the one," tie the knot, and have children, she continually finds herself going from one short-lived relationship to the next. Like clockwork, after three months of dating a man, she manages to find something wrong with him."
Confession: After reading this, I felt like throwing my hands up and saying, "FINE! I'm a commitaphobe!"

Page 3: "Top Signs You're Commitment-Phobic" (I'll just name a few...)

• You have the habit of dating [or, crushing on/wanting really bad] unavailable men
• You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate
• You go from one short-lived relationship [or fling] to the next
• You back out of plans last minute and/or have trouble setting a time for dates
• You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances at the expense of single romantic relationships
• You have a lot of relationship trauma in your past
• You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependent
• You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends
• You prefer hook-ups and friends with "benefits" scenarios to relationships [aka, NCMO's]

Confession: I really don't wanna talk about it.

Page 11: "I mean, how funny is it to want something, drive yourself crazy fantasizing about it every day, and then when you finally get it, drop it like last year's Ugg boots?"

Confession: (Aside from the fact I can proudly say that I never had those horrific Ugg boots that every girl in Arizona wore with her jean mini-skirt during mid-March in the 9th grade) --  I can empathize.

Page 15: "I think that women's commitment-phobia stems from not wanting to settle for something right now, especially since something better might come along."

Confession: The "Better-than Syndrome" of Provo, Utah... #guilty When there are so many options, who wants to settle? Even if that just means settling down?

Which leads me to my next point...

Page 16: "With so many dizzying options to pick from, today's women are far more prone to catching the commitment-phobia bug than ever before. Think about it. It's all to easy to decide on a coat of paint for your bedroom when you only have a choice of two colors. But when presented with a rainbow of equally pleasing options (caramel late, polo blue, acorn yellow), the whole matter can become far more confusing than it needs to be."

Confession: Too many choices to make a decision. Do you realize how many matches I have on Tinder? (Stop judging me, I know you're just as guilty.)

Page 19: "Whether it was watching our parents quarrel, toil away in unfulfilling relationships, or suffer the hardships that accompany a single-parent lifestyle, we swore that would never be us; we vowed to never end up in a similar situation. Now that we're older and, we hope, a bit wiser, many of us still haven't gotten over the past."

Confession: Sure divorce scares me. As it scares any kid with divorced parents. (But, I will say -- it's the least worrisome of my commitment issues.)

Page 37: "Denial: I couldn't possibly have commitment-phobia. I'm totally open to the prospect of meeting someone. Nope, that's not me. I'm always on the lookout for a new relationship. It just never works out. It's really the men's fault. I just can't seem to find anyone to settle down with, except that one guy, hmmm... No, he was really just a little too nice. I don't think it would have worked out." 

Confession: My life! HA! 

Page 43: "Commitment-Minded Connie: Can anyone say commitment-obsessed? You would rather die than end up alone, and you spend all your waking hours fantasizing about meeting the perfect guy. Not to begrudge you some frivolous fun planning a mock-wedding or lightning your "love spell" candles, but consider that just because you think you want a commitment, that doesn't mean you're necessarily ready for one. In fact, all that compulsive thinking about commitment may actually be a way to sabotage real relationships from forming and developing naturally. We often avoid dealing with our personal issues about love by escaping into a fantasy world where everything just happens magically. So while you may be enamored with the concept of a commitment, your gripping desire for it shows you may not be prepared to do the heavy lifting that relationships require."

Confession: The results of my quiz...

Page 54: "Fear of Rejection: Oftentimes our fear of commitment has to do with an immense fear of being abandoned, rejected and cast aside. Many of you have probably gone through painful experiences in which you opened up to someone only to be rejected. It's easy to react to this pain by shutting down emotionally, preemptively breaking off relationships, or avoiding dating altogether."

Confession: In the words of Taylor Swift, love is a ruthless game, unless you play it good and right. In the words of Pat Benatar, love is a battlefield. In simpler words: who wouldn't want to protect themselves from heartache? #wallsup

Page 60: "Is it commitment-phobia, or is it just that I haven't met the right person? Many of you are convinced that the reason why you're single is that you just haven't met the right guy. You believe that your married or committed friends just drew a better number in the love lottery and that once you meet the right person all your commitment issues will simply vanish into thin air. It's fair to say that some of you just can't wrap your mind around the fact that you haven commitment issues. In fact, "I haven't met the right person" is the most common rationalization women use to avoid dealing with their anxiety. But meeting someone who's right for you is not just about luck and good timing. It's about being emotionally and psychologically ready to make a lasting connection. There may have been plenty of guys you've met who could have been contenders, but you were probably not in the right head space to recognize them. In the end, commitment issues won't just go away when you meet the man you've been dreaming of. In fact, meeting the right person may just make them even worse."

Confession: Again, MY LIFE.

Okay, last one for today.

Page 69: I'm not picky, I'm just..." I know, I know. You're not nit-picky, you're just selective. You're not picky, you just know what you like. Repeat after me, you're not picky, you're just... 

• "I just have high standards." 
• "I just haven't met the right guy."
• "I just get turned off easily."

For instance:

You: "So what's your relationship with your mother like?"

Him: "I love my mother. She's one of the greatest women I know.

Nitpicker Verdict: Mama's boy.

You: "So are you career-driven?"

Him: "Yes, I'm passionate about my work as a lifestyle counselor. I teach people how to balance their work and personal lives."
Nitpicker Verdict: Obsessive workaholic. 

You: "So when was your last relationship?"

Him: "I was dating a wonderful woman for three years, but we grew apart."

Nitpicker Verdict: Still in love with his ex.

You: "So what do you do for fun?"

Him: "Um, let's see. I love doing crosswords, hanging out at the coffee shop with friends, going to movies - that kind of thing."

Nitpicker Verdict: Slacker couch potato.

You: "So what do you do for fun?" (Example #2)

Him: "I really love the outdoors. Hiking, canoeing, camping - that kind of thing"

Nitpicker Verdict: He's totally judging me for not being outdoorsy.

Confession: I feel like this girl just described every thought I've ever had on a first date.

Disclaimer: I don't have one. I'm speechless.

Well, that was a lot for one blog post. But I must share one more thing!

I saw a recipe on Pinterest once for frozen banana milkshakes. Well, today I decided to try it, but I didn't remember the exact recipe other than the fact it had frozen bananas, hot chocolate powder, and some milk. Oh, and I decided to add some peanut butter for good measure -- and OH. MY. WORD. 

Try it. Just try it. 

In a blender:

-1 frozen banana

-A tiny bit of milk (just so the banana will actually cream-up a bit)

-1 spoonful of cocoa powder (already sweetened like Nesquick or Stephen's Hot Chocolate)

-1 TBSP of peanut butter

Blend.

DEVOUR.

Creamiest, thickest shake of my LIFE.

Back on Board. Round 2.

Yes, I'm back.

If you're a frequent follower of mine -- or used to be, I'm honored that you've decided to start reading again. You're the reason I take the risk of basically throwing up details of my life all over the internet. It's fine. 

My last post was in May of this year... basically a whole six months ago. Can you believe it's November already? Before we know it, we're gonna be gorging ourselves with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberries (well, some of us cranberries -- I personally find them disgusting), and pumpkin pie -- and, of course, shortly thereafter wanting to kill ourselves or at least overdose on laxatives. (Too far?) 

Anyway -- if you've read this blog or any posts from my previous (and really embarrassing) blog from 248 years ago (okay, 3), you'll know that I write a lot about my dating life. "Who in their right mind would do that?!" you might ask. Well, I oftentimes ask myself the exact same thing. And guess what? Things haven't changed, so here we go.

In the past 11 months or so, I've dated a lot. In fact, to be exact... I've been on 56 first dates upon moving to Provo, Utah -- that's right, home of the Cougars. (Go ahead, take that as literally or as figuratively as you'd like.) And in those 11 months, I've learned a lot of things. Just to humor you, I guess I can share a thing or two I've learned here at BYU.

1. There are a lot of great restaurants in Provo. (My favorite? Station 22.)
2. People aren't as marriage hungry here as people like to think. It's kinda nice. No pressure.
3. BYU Creamery has the best ice cream known to mankind (Sorry, Coldstone.)
4. The canyon is creepy.
5. So is Squaw Peak. (Don't go there. Ever.) 
6. Tinder isn't as "taboo" as a lot of people think and is totally worth giving a shot.
7. But NCMO's... don't do it. And if you do it, stop doing it.
8. Be. Yourself. STOP  worrying about what people (especially those of the opposite sex) think. If they don't like you for you, then it's time to go on another first date.
9. Honesty is the best policy. If you're not interested, be honest and straight up -- guys appreciate it.
10. The post-date text is always appreciated. BUT... be careful. Only send it if you're interested.

However, I must say that the most important thing I've learned in the last year or so of being in Provo is that dating (well, sucks) -- but that it's okay to not commit if you're just not feelin' it. People come and go -- and most of the time, they'll go. But it's crucial to always remember that more will always come along! So, never settle. It's just not worth it.  And if you're turned down? Be a big girl (or boy), pick yourself up, and keep on goin'. Life is gonna be A-OK. (But really. If you don't believe me, go back to the archives of this blog from late 2012 and you'll see what I mean.) 

toodles :)

P.S. guess who's going to Boston, NYC, and San Diego for Christmas/New Years... 

YEP. THIS GIRL.

"My mom is ______-er than yours..."

I think it's safe to say that all of us have the BEST mom in the world!

Okay, confession. I'm usually indifferent holidays on Facebook because everyone says the saaaaame ol' thing. "Happy _______!" But today has been so different from any other hallmark holiday -- and especially touching. I loved seeing everyone's pictures and tributes to their mothers. Motherhood is truly something so special.

Honestly... after all the crap I went through in the last year, my mom has been my rock. She's not only stood by me, but she has supported me, held me, and cried with me. Other than Christ himself, my mom has been the only person to truly empathize and understand the pain I've felt and the trials I've gone through. The last 9 months have brought me not only to my knees, but closer to my mom. After breaking up with Tyler, I only tasted the pain she went through when she and my dad got divorced. Letting go of your fiance is only a fraction of what it must feel like to lose your husband. After that trial, I can now understand my mom just a little bit more, and now I respect and love her a thousand times more.

I love her so, so, SO much. I couldn't imagine one day without her just a phone call (okay, maybe 6 phone calls, 4 voicemail messages and 2 texts) away.

(Yes, I love her -- but she's the hardest person to get ahold of sometimes. And trust me, I'm not the only person who feels this way ;)

LOVE YOU, MOM!

School, school, school!

So, because I transferred to BYU from BYU-Idaho, my time in school extended by about a year and a half. (RIDICULOUS, RIGHT?) I went from graduating early to... a year late.

5.5 years of college... WHOO HOO!

Not.

Yes, my generals/foundations transferred because I had my Associate's Degree done. However, the Elementary Education program is way more in-depth and rigorous here. BYU-Idaho couldn't offer me a TESOL (Teaching English as a Second Oral Language) minor or an ELL/ESL (English Language Learner/English Second Language) teaching badge at graduation, whereas BYU here in Provo can. So... that explains why I have to take more classes and why I'll be here another year and a half -- basically I'll be more marketable, find a job more easily & I'll make more $ after graduation because I'll be graduating from BYU instead of BYU-Idaho.

Make sense?

So it's worth it, right?

I hope so because I'm really coveting all of those caps and gowns I'm seeing on my Facebook newsfeed from students at both BYU campuses! So many of my friends are graduating! It's like that Taylor Swift song...

"Well it's a sad picture, the final blow hits ya, and somebody else gets what you wanted again."

It's so annoying how LONG school is taking. I was talking to my mom on the way to the airport last week about it, and ya know what she said?

"Well, it's a good thing you're up there. Even though it will take longer (to graduate), I'm glad you're at BYU. Hey, at least that gives you more time to find a companion?"

YEP. Because I sure didn't get the MRS Degree at BYU-I-DO! Which, honestly... lesbihonest. That's completely fine with me. As much as I love my guy friends and all the guys at BYU-Idaho, the guys in Provo are a tad more driven. They're not just going to school to find a wife. I would say that at least 90% of the guys I talk to are either pre-med, pre-law or on their way to Grad school whereas up there...? HA!

I'm serious.

Plus, being down here at BYU has made me more driven and excited to pursue my education. There's something in the air down here that's contagious. On the Sunday before finals, I had never heard so many people say, "I have to study!" That never happened at BYU-Idaho. Well, now, we could go into the whole "BYU is the Church's school, but BYU-Idaho is the Lord's school" debate... but I won't get started.

My point is -- People here are driven and ambitious. And it's made me driven and ambitious. But I just want to graduate already...

!

Awfully Awesome.

First and foremost -- I am so depressed. One of my most loyal blog readers, Mariah Pugmire, has been shipped off to the MTC to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Finland. She'd message me on a weekly basis and say, "UPDATE YOUR BLOG!" whenever I was slacking. (Right now would probably be one of those times.)

So after only a week at my new job, I'd take working in the food industry ANY DAY over working retail. I usually work retail at home during the summers or during breaks from school -- and although I'm awesome at it, I absolutely hate it compared to the food industry. I have learned that hungry college students are a lot easier to please than rich, middle-aged mothers of toddlers. Not only that, when the restaurant gets busy, it's a lot more fun than when I store gets busy (and messy).

However, it's critical that I don't mess up on any orders or else I'll end up eating the "mess-up" entree.

No. Bueno. Gotta keep my figure.

I've also decided that this semester has truly been one of the best semesters of my life. (Oh, PS my life has gone by "semesters" since January 2010 when I started college. It's the only way I keep track of events in my life.)

Seriously. Last semester (Fall 2012) was the worst of my life (for obvious reasons). Even Spring 2012 when I was engaged to Tyler was really rough. But I think the Lord just knew I needed a break and some extra blessings, so He blessed me with new opportunities and new people. It's been quite refreshing. I mean, not only do I have straight A's for the FIRST time in my COLLEGE CAREER, but I have also made some amazing friends, have a great calling in my ward, and an AWESOME and FUN job -- where I enjoy closing! Oh, and a great social life. I counted, and.... I may or may have not gone on over 25 dates this semester with 25 different people.

Not even joking.

What more could a girl ask for? (*Knock on wood*)

The Lord truly does bless his children after much trial, testing, and tribulation. I could name countless blessings I've received this semester, but I think the greatest blessing of all has been the growth that I've gone through and the solidification of my testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I can't tell you the exact date, but I can tell you the exact moment that I felt the overwhelming healing power of the Atonement in my heart after all that I went through last year. Since that moment, I've been able to enjoy life and live it to its fullest. Although there have been moments of heartache and missing him, all I have to do is stop looking back and look forward to the future and future blessings that I've been promised time and time again. The Lord loves me, and He loves each and every one of His children. All we have to do is let Him into our hearts and take His advice -- follow the commandments. Following God's laws and letting the Atonement heal us will only bless our lives. From much experience, I know this to be true!

Anyway -- I had no intentions to make this a Gospel post, but you can't deny the feelings when they come.

Goodnight, ya'll.

Someone's gotta say it.

Is it just me that sees these all over Pinterest?

Ok -- I'm not going to pretend I haven't laughed at any of these before because I have. But it's almost the same at when I laugh at some Mormon jokes. I can laugh because I'm Mormon (and when it comes to Mormon culture -- some are hilarious because they're true). But sometimes... I just don't find them funny. 

Ok, ok. I used to laugh at a lot of Taylor Swift memes. But I've noticed the press has been really hard on her lately and so has society. And I'm not going to sit here and try to "protect" or "defend" her -- but I do want to state my opinion on the matter.

Number ONE. Taylor Swift is not Adele. They may be the same age, but they are two separate artists and have utter and completely two different styles of music. BEFORE you go crazy on me and rant about how much more "artistic" or "real" Adele is -- hear me out. Prior to seeing that last meme, I had NO idea that Adele was around the same age as Taylor Swift. I had NO CLUE why her album's were called "20" and "21" because based on her voice, her music and the fact she has a child -- I was under the assumption that she was in her thirties. Granted she makes me want to start cutting myself every time I listen to her, Adele has a very mature sounding voice and she is very talented. So, naturally, I thought she was older.

With that being said, Taylor Swift, like myself, is... 22. Like myself, Taylor Swift has probably kissed boys. She's also probably had her short-lived flings and been heartbroken a time or two. Or, on several occasions for that matter because either the guys she's dated are tools or flakey -- or, simply, it just doesn't work out for one reason or another. And then she's probably had a few legitimate boyfriends who have legitimately left her broken. And, of course, maybe one whom she has had to repeatedly tell, "We are never, ever getting back together" because she just couldn't put up with him or his crap anymore.

NOW... looking at my own, normal 22 year old life, I sit here and think... I can easily give her the benefit of the doubt because there have been SEVERAL occasions when I've needed to vent about a guy that I'm missing, a guy that I've been hurt by, and sometimes just a guy that left me in the dirt -- and there have been more than just that "one" guy that's done the exact same thing to me before! So, on that note, I've vented about guys (some boys) in a blog post -- some have even gotten more than one blog post "dedicated" to them. (Granted... they remain anonymous -- but it's still happened.) 

Does that make ME crazy? Does that make ME stuck in high school? Does that make ME the problem? 

Taylor Swift is 22. She lives a 22 year old life. She dates. She occasionally gets as boyfriend. She gets heartbroken. And, she needs to vent once in a while about it.

(And then... she makes millions -- but that's beside the point.) 

But before I end this post -- one more thing.

Taylor Swift may not be as great of a singer or lyricist as a lot of other artists out there. But, I will say this... She knows how to express my own feelings in a way that no other artist can. Without Taylor Swift, I don't know who else would write about my life -- or any other 22 year old girl's for that matter. 

So, to conclude, I'm a diehard and proud of it. If you don't like her, I'm completely okay with that. And we can still be friends -- I just had to make a point. But, then again...

Writing Assignment?

So in my ED323 class, we're learning about writing and the value of writing -- and how to instill a love for it in our future students. With that being said, I'm required to write for 20 minutes.

Talk about EASY CHEESY!

I love writing.

Okay now -- updating time. Honestly, a lot has happened lately. Like... a lot! But unfortunately the kind of things that have happened lately are simply not "blogging appropriate." So, if you want a secret update, then feel free to message me.

Today was a long day. For some odd reason, I woke up just emotionally upset. I felt like a weight had been placed on my chest, and I had no idea why. Okay lies -- I had a few possible ideas why, but I couldn't pinpoint one single thing. Honestly... everything that stresses me out just hit me all at once, so it was an emotionally difficult day.

So... I decided I needed a good chat and a Priesthood blessing.

I called up my good friend Ryan Hintze, and he took me to get cazookie (AKA -- in Arizona terms, a pizookie). We chatted for an hour or so, and it was so good just to TALK to someone! We just chatted about life in general and the struggles people our age are struggling with all around us!

When it all comes down to it -- it really stems from individual worth and self-image issues.

GIRLS! Stop looking in the mirror and pointing out all of your imperfections and blemishes and extra pounds and dry skin and whatever ELSE it is you're looking at that's so "NASTY" or "FAT" or "GROSS" because it's not! God doesn't think you're too fat, too flat, or too whatever so STOP thinking you are!

There are so many girls who struggle with eating disorders that we don't even realize! STOP IT! I mean -- granted, it's okay to go running and trying to be more healthy. I get it. But stop starving yourself and start loving yourself.

In fact -- did you know that the most attractive and sexiest thing about a woman is her confidence?

GET THIS -- Today Ryan said, "Have you seen Pitch Perfect?"

Lesbihonest.

"Yeah? Why?"

"Fat Amy is hot! Because she's CONFIDENT and she knows she's awesome!"

Best quote of the day.

Girls, YOU are awesome.

ALSO --

When Tyler and I broke up, he told me what had attracted him to me the most. And you know what it was?

No, not my huge hips. (Although volumptuous -- no.)

It was my smile.

And I don't think it's just my smile that attracts a guy -- it's ANY girl's smile and any girl's confidence! 

The sexiest thing about a woman is her smile because her smile just speaks... CONFIDENCE! 

So, smile. 

A real smile.

Treacherous.

So I obviously just finished watching the Bachelor finale. In all honesty -- even though it really is just a TV show... it hurts seeing rejection. It hurts seeing heartbreak. Yeah, that sounds so cliche and silly, right? But no. It's real.

Really though -- I hate seeing others have to go through that. Sometimes it brings back the pain that is just all too familiar. And then it just makes me even more scared to be vulnerable to heartbreak again in any shape or form.

Speaking of vulnerability...

I've done a lot of self-assessing and analyzing this week. With all this dating stuff going on lately, I sit and think.

Even when I have a GREAT guy in front of me... Am I scared of dating anyone seriously because I'm not ready? Or is it just because I haven't found the "right one" yet because no one seems good enough? 

Yeah, probably both. But then I thought about it some more...

I've met some really, really great guys up here. And even when the interest is somewhat mutual, I still hold back. I hold back from saying "HEY! I like you. Let's do this for real" because 1. What if I'm rejected? 2. Because I'm scared of my family being skeptical of me & my choices of who I date and when I choose to date them -- seriously. 3. Because I'm scared of the skeletons hiding in their closets. It's an issue. And lastly, 4. I'm scared. Just because I know what it's like to be so hurt and heartbroken for whatever reason. And when you put yourself out there like that... you essentially leave your heart on the table... wide and open only to be crushed.

GAH. Watching the Bachelor just brought back allllll of those feelings.

Well -- BEFORE watching the Bachelor, I talked to my mom on the phone last week. I just started crying. I just felt so discouraged. I seriously felt (well, and sometimes still feel) like there was absolutely NO hope. I couldn't help but think I'm never going to find a guy worth marrying.

Quite frankly - I can't tell you how many times I've gone to bed crying with these thoughts in my head.

And then yesterday happened.

Maybe it's me that needs to change. Maybe it's me that needs a new perspective. It's not the "guy" that's the problem -- maybe it's ME?! I just never, ever give them a chance! I was sitting in church thinking, "Maybe I just need to let go of the frustration and have some hope for once... some faith." And I felt that's a good point -- it's true. I DO need to let go of the pain and the hurt... and the discouragement. And have faith that the man I choose to give my heart to one day will be worth it won't break me.

But then before I know it, the thoughts of discouragement all come back. Why should I settle for someone I'm not crazy about? But... am I not "crazy" about them because I'm not giving them a chance? Because my thoughts of discouragement and fear are clouding my vision of the potential in their eyes?

This slope is treacherous.

Big sigh.

Your passion is contagious.

So I really, really should go to bed right now but I have so much to say and my mind is just RACING!

Tonight I had a little study session with a girl in my ward who is also an elementary education major. We were studying phonics, syllabication, etc. for our literacy quiz tomorrow... Well, after we finished studying, we started talking about what it really means to be a teacher and how underestimated our future profession really is. Now, I know I already posted about this topic recently -- but there are a few more comments that I'd like to make.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when my sister, yeah -- Danica, comments on my major of study. She'll say things like, "Yadda, yadda...You're an elementary ED major!" as if it's not a big deal or as if it's EASY.

Well, folks. Easy it may seem.

But while you're a dentist cleaning teeth all day, just remember who's being underpaid to teach your child how to read, write, spell, and do arithmetic AND MORE -- not to mention teaching your child how to be self-disciplined and develop a good sense of character on the side while doing the same favor for 29+ other students of different academic/cultural/SES backgrounds in the same classroom.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Their teachers.

Will you dare to underestimate my chosen major of study one more time?

I didn't think so.

NOW -- school for me now may be an easier task at hand than your mechanical engineering or pre-med chemistry classes.

But if you ever... EVER think about underestimating the profession of a teacher -- please, think again.

Now please, don't get me wrong. I am NOT complaining. In fact, I am shouting to the rooftops how excited I am! After talking to my friend about how much teachers shape and influence lives of students -- I can't WAIT to be a teacher.

Students are going to come into my classroom after a long, dreadful weekend at home or even after seeing their dad thrown into jail for selling drugs. And they're going to need my love and my hand in their life because they don't get the love and support they need at home. To further my point, you may have had Mom and Dad read to you every night -- but a lot of children don't! And in my future classroom, there will be students who will not be as fortunate to have that academic support at home... But it is up to me as their teacher to be there for those students!

My point here is -- it's not going to be an easy task. However, I am thrilled to be a teacher someday.

So don't hate.

SECONDLY: 

Every time I hear/read this quote, I take a deep breath of relief... and smile.

Thank you, Pinterest!

For reading my last blog post and creating a pin for it!

Falling in love with strangers.

I have this problem. If it's not "love at first sight," I'm not into it. Yeah, it's terrible. Since him, I have terrible expectations. I am just not into it. I'm done. I hate this.

Okay let me explain.

But before I start explaining -- I KNOW that "when it's right it will fall into place..."

So, with that being said, I have a venting session for you. If you love these posts, get ready for a good one. If you don't? Then go back to "liking" pointless and cheesy posts about lovers on your newsfeed.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much. Maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.

Okay that was just a T.Swift lyric for --

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casual and cruel in the name of bein' honest.

SORRY! I love this song.

But here we go.

(Oh gosh. "Never Grow Up" just came on. SOML.)

Okay you know what? Instead of explaining how I feel -- I'm just gonna let her do it.

He is sensible and so incredible 
And all my single friends are jealous 
He says everything I need to hear and it's like 
I couldn't ask for anything better 
He opens up my door and I get into his car 
And he says you look beautiful tonight 
And I feel perfectly fine...

And if you know her like I do, you know what she says next.

It's not that I'm still mourning over HIM. It's just the way it felt -- it's just not the same with any other guy I've met up here. And it's not like I haven't given any guys up here a chance. I really have dated a TON. I was just asked last night -- "How many dates would you say that you've gone on since you got to Provo?" Funny you ask -- I just made a list two days ago.

At least 10.

Usually one date a week and one on the weekend. Don't look at me like I'm bragging -- I'm not. I'm just saying that I've given guys chances, and I still have yet to find one where it just... clicks.

Like he did.

Loving him was red.

GAH.

Falling slowly.

Hi.

So... As exciting as it truly is, I refrain to blog about my dating life on this blog. (That's what my other blog was about and that's why it was so embarrassing to post links to. Because it was personal!) But -- I have some frustrations to let out.

Here's the thing. I date. A lot. Like...I think there's only been 2 weekends where I haven't had a date since I've been in Provo. And if I don't have a date on the weekend, I usually do during the week sometime. (Wow this is sounding super arrogant.) But that's background info that is crucial to what I'm about to tell you.

Well, since January, I've had a couple people that I'm legitimately interested in. But here's the thing... 

I'm not ready for any kind of relationship.

AT. ALL.

And I can't decide if that's because I really LIKE being single and dating like crazy or... if it's because I'm scared and just not ready to take on a relationship again regardless of who the guy is. Really though -- it's probably both reasons.

I'm a really indecisive person to begin with and then just adding the word "relationship" into it all freaks me out.

But then what do I do when I really like someone? I suddenly think I want the relationship! But then I slap myself in the face and say, "You've been on a total of 10 dates/hang out sessions with him! You don't know him well enough to be in a relationship with him!" Either that or I picture my mom/sisters yelling that in my face. 

-- OR -- 

I will pull the "Plus, what about _______?" card. In other words, the "Better than" card.

Honestly though. Put yourself in my shoes. How could I not play that card? I think I finally take the idea of commitment to the whole new level of seriousness now. 

Can you blame me?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. He really set the standard when it comes to friendship and personality. If I'm not absolutely crazy about someone or I don't see it in the future for whatever reason under given circumstances, WHY COMMIT?

But then part of me thinks... But I really like this one!

And then I think... But he's really great, too!

And that's dating.

It's so confusing.

Yet so fun.

But frustrating.

#datingmachine #commitaphobe #stressedoutsally

Totes Hilar...

I hate words like "totes" and "hilar" because they're not even words... but I've found myself using them quite frequently lately.

PS - Remember when I talked about people deleting me on Facebook last time? I totes (HA!) jk -- totally counted a total of 10 people who've deleted me in the last 6 months. No joke. Don't ask me how I figured it out -- but I did. I don't blame them though. I really have been a sour punch straw the last few months...

I would also like to mention that I love my grandma so much. She calls me and we'll talk 20-30 minutes, which may not seem like a long time -- but, I'm not really much of a phone talker (except with Nat & Steph). She was talking about how it snowed in Phoenix this week and said: "From a distance, it's so beautiful -- nice to look at." I then responded (from snowy Provo, Utah) "YES, from a distance!" HA! We are funny. She is the best. We also talked about how incredible my mom is. Seriously I don't know how my mom is even emotionally alive sometimes. She's gone through hell and back at least a million times... Both of those women are such great examples to me. 

ANYWAY --

Today is a special day because I'm posting something very... very special. But first -- I wanted to just tell you all about the comparisons/contrasts I've made between BYU and BYU-Idaho. They're quite interesting if you ask me...

Ready? 'Cause here we go.

• BYU-Idaho's "flirt floor" of the library is the 3rd floor... and it's so LOUD. I seriously wonder if anyone gets anything done up there. Well, at BYU, the "make out floor" is on the 5th floor -- and it's DEAD SILENT (hence, why I enjoy studying up there). The irony...
• BYU-Idaho's fitness center is THE BEST. It's huge, new, and has super nice treadmills where you can hook up your iPod to charge and evvverything. BYU's = GHETTO. Enough said. (Seriously erks me... Then I realize I really do miss some things about BYU-Idaho!)
• BYU-Idaho's Crossroads (cafeteria, food, etc.) is SUPER nice. It's also super new -- and there are so many places to sit. BYU's Cougar Eat? Not so much. Small and food isn't as good. Cheaper, but not as good.
• BYU-Idaho's locker room = TINY. BYU's? HUUUUGE! And so many places to sit and get ready in front of a mirror. Seriously I'd totally shower and get ready in there everyday if I had to.
• BYU-Idaho's testing center -- some might call the one in the MC totally miserable, but I actually really liked it. BYU's testing center is a whole building dedicated to the testing center and I swear it's like a courthouse! -- That's seriously what it reminds me of. It's huge and just screams MISERY with tall, narrow, scary windows and no color. It's even old looking -- seriously scary. Plus, BYU-Idaho's testing center employees look professional. BYU's testing center employees weren't even dressed professionally! Seriously t-shirts and jeans. I wasn't as intimidated by them.
• BYU-Idaho hardly had any computer/printing labs around campus. BYU has them EVERYWHERE! It's so nice because I can't figure out how to hook up to their wireless printing... Which, I loved wireless printing at BYU-Idaho. -- so that one kinda evens out.
• BYU-Idaho's campus was sooooooo spread APART. I hated walking 10 minutes to my next class! BYU is bigger, but the buildings are closer together -- so nice.
• BYU-Idaho had hills. And wind. BYU has stairs. Lots of them. Either way, my calves are getting a workout. However -- I do prefer stairs to hills any day.

Okay but all in all -- I think I love BYU better simply because of the weather. It may snow...but it melts within a couple hours. Plus, there's no wind and the guys are taller here. 

ALRIGHT -- so... now the special part.

Remember when I mentioned Project Runaway? My old blog that I won't even dare make "public" -- and if you wanted, I would email you a link? Well, Ms. Corinne Hardcastle took the initiative and actually did. She emailed me as she read that blog for -- NO JOKE -- at least two hours and she was apparently laughing her head off at the ridiculous things I'd say... (hence why I refuse to make it public -- it's EMBARRASSING). She put together her favorite quotes from that blog and requested that I publish it on here. So... here we go. 

Infamous Quotes from Project Runaway (aka... Kendra's dating blog from 2009-2011)

-"I have been through about 4 boys since the last time we talked"

-“Well, sorry I'm boring. I have no life a.k.a. boys in my life right now.”

-“Once again, I'm blogging at 2 in the morning. This is so typical. But I mean, I had to "update" It since I'm no longer a brunette (thank goodness).”

-“GOT IT? Now listen to my life.”

-“BECAUSE I SHOULD BE SLEEPING AND I'M BLOGGING FOR YOU INSTEAD!”

-“Okay well I really really really should be sleeping right now. It's kind of ridic.”

-“Long story short --there is no long story. And that was really short.”

(LOVE THIS ONE!!!!)

-“HA! Hilar.”

-“I just made my playlist for myself to listen to on a separate tab when I'm facebook stalking.”

-"...and on my blog, the blog title HAS to match the rest of the blog or else it just throws everything off."

 -“(As mentioned in the post prior to this one - it's an irritable time of the month, so if you don't feel like reading about Kendra's life when she's PMS'ing, then just walk away right now. Kthanksbye.)”

-“YAY for pointless blog posts!”

-“You're obviously reading my blog because you want juice; why else would you come to Project Runaway?”

-“p.s. I love my blog stalkers :) You know the depths of my very soul, you know.”

Want a link now? HA! 

Just a little funny.

So I got a message last night from Mariah. "When can I expect a new blog post?!"

Now. Right NOW!

Funniest thing happened last night... Hannah, my roommate, got home and I was watching "The Bachelor: Sean Tells All" -- and she sits on the couch with a look on her face that just says: I HAVE STORIES FOR YOU!

So, naturally -- I shut my computer. And she says, "Oh no -- we can wait until it's over!" But then I was like, "The Bachelor can wait. Reality's on!"

HA! It was funny. The poor girl also asked about my addiction to hairspray this week. I had mentioned that I needed more toothpaste already (I just bought some two weeks ago...but I brush 4x/day) and then she asks, "Oh, and Kendra... How fast do you go through hairspray?!"

Then I felt kinda awkward... so I just laughed.

Anyway--

This past holiday weekend was ridiculous. Wait -- let's go back to Valentine's Day.

It was unexpectedly pretty good. Real good. It was one of those days where I woke up in a good mood -- that doesn't happen very often on Valentine's Day. But it happened this year, and I even wore red. Crazy, I know. That never happens.

This weekend was pretty relaxing. I was supposed to go to Rexburg...but didn't. I was convinced to stay in Provo. (Thanks Dad...) So, I got my nails done instead. #shellacattack

On Monday some friends and I went to a friend's house a little north of Provo in the Salt Lake area. So also funniest thing ever --

Everyone gives this friend a hard time for being a little... "better off" than the rest of us. Of course it's all in good fun -- but this story just makes it even funnier. On the way to his house, he mentioned that we were going to make homemade pizza. Well, one of the girls with us asked if she could invite her friend who lives nearby. How does he respond?

"Yeah, sure she can come. We have plenty of dough." 

Needless to say -- we all busted out laughing. Poor guy... he was talking about pizza dough.

The night was full of pizza and perspiration. Gross, right? Far from -- it was a sauna party and it was a blast.

DISCLAIMER: Okay so now -- I am going to bring up this "controversial" issue among Mormons. If you get upset about what I have to say, I really don't care that much.

So here's the story: While we were all getting out of the sauna and drying off, this one guy in the group mentions how he likes a Mormon girl who is good girl but will also wear a bikini.

NOW -- I have good Mormon girlfriends who wear bikinis all the time. I could care less that they wear a bikini! They're my friends and I love them. However, I will say this:

Growing up, Young Women's leaders DRILLED us girls with modesty talks. I was always told that we dressed modestly not only because it was an "obedience" thing, but for the young men to help them "honor their Priesthood." With that being said, nothing irritates me more than girls who flaunt themselves in a bikini around RM's -- some, of which, apparently prefer it and others who feel awkward and uncomfortable about it.

Do girls realize how prevalent pornography is and how truly difficult it is for guys to control their thoughts in the first place? And here they are... just making it harder for them. And then on top of it all -- you have guys like these who... nevermind. I'll just stop. I've made my point.

For those of you who I haven't offended and have chosen to keep reading...

Thanks for reading.

Okay one more story.

The other night our friend, Adam, was over.

Well, we had just gotten home and it was about 11:30 -- so, of course, I was getting ready for bed while they were out in the front room.  And when I say "getting ready for bed" -- like I was in PJ's and all -- TRULY ready to hop in my bed and go to sleep. With that being said, girls -- please take the hint.

I thought, "Since I'm in my pajamas, I won't be tempted to go out and talk to them. I'm just gonna go brush my teeth really quick... without anyone seeing me."

So... when I'm in the bathroom leaning over the sink brushing my teeth for the 4th or 5th time that day, I see Adam "hiding" in the hall. Oh, gosh. It was him trying to "scare" me. And let me tell you -- I got nervous. So I just pretended nothing was wrong and kept on brushing... hoping he'd just make his way to the bathroom and do his business without bothering me.

"So, Kendra... How was your Valentine's Day? Good date?"

[Mouth full of toothpaste & still leaning over the sink]

"Uh huh..."

"Does ________ ahsifjoashbfaifjoakofa ?" (Random, silly, silly question about my date.)

[Smiling with mouth full of toothpaste & still hiding...leaning over the sink]

"Uh huh..."

So then he KEEPS talking to me and basically drills me for "the story."

[Mouth STILL full of toothpaste & leaning over the sink]

"Adam, why don't you just go to the bathroom and we'll talk about this when you get out?"

So finally... he walks in the bathroom and shuts the door. Hannah then walks in and says, "Sorry -- I thought he was just going to use the bathroom!"

Smiling and slightly embarrassed, I respond -- "That's fine."

And then I mouth to Hannah...

"I'M BRA-LESS!"

So -- of course I take care of things just in time and end up telling Adam the rest of the story while we sat in our hallway.

BUT HONESTLY -- any girl knows that is the most uncomfortable, embarrassing and awkward feeling in the WORLD!

Needless to say, when Adam left...we had a good laugh.

Time does wonders.

So I got on Blogger today and decided... I think it's time I reminisce for a while.

So, naturally, I took a peek at my super old, ridiculous and embarrassing blog known as... Project Runaway.

It's embarrassing.

All I talk about is Skye (ex-boyfriend from 2010), dating, how "hard" school is, and getting married.

What an ignorant sophomore at BYU-Idaho.

Enough said.

If you want access to it, message me your email address and I'll send you an "invite" to read it. It's hilarious. If you read it -- you have to promise not to judge me. A lot has changed since then. A LOT. But my music taste has pretty much stayed the same... basically I love that playlist.

PS -- Check out these hits/stats vs. posts on Project Runaway vs. Pretty and Witty. Ridic! (I also never posted links to Project Runaway... so that may or may not have something to do with it.)

That awkward moment...

...when you realize you've been deleted.

Have you ever gone through facebook, seen someone in a photo, and clicked on their profile only to realize you were once friends on Facebook... and they've deleted you?

And then you're initial thoughts are as follows:

"Are you kidding me?! What'd I do to you?!"

Or...

"Wow, guess you didn't like me that much after all... Good because I didn't like you that much, either."

Or...

"It's because I update my status too much, isn't it?"

Knowing myself, it's probably the latter. HA!

But really. It makes you wonder. What'd you do?

In the last two days, I've realized two people who've "deleted" me. Quite frankly -- I don't know why the first one did. We were super good buddies last year... what happened? And then the second one -- a girl. She's married. Honestly it was probably my comment back in September about how much I wanted to delete all of my married and engaged friends HAHA!

COME ON! I had just called off my wedding and I was a bitter, hot MESS! You're really gonna take that personally?!

Anyway -- whether that was the reason or not, so be it. It is what it is. I delete people all the time. And sometimes, I just withhold accepting friend requests simply out of spite or dislike for the person.

But these two people... I can't help but wonder, why?

Anyway. Happy Sunday.

The beauty of teaching.

Today I had one of the coolest experiences of my college career.

But first, let me give you a little background knowledge.

My first semester of college (January-April 2010), I was overwhelmed at the thought of ever graduating college. The idea seemed forever away, and to be honest, I never thought I'd ever get there. Like the typical 18 year old Mormon girl, I assumed that I'd (hopefully) be married and have a kid by 22. (I see your widened eyes and dropped jaw, PS.) But it's the truth. Sure I "saw" the value of getting an education! MRS Degree, duh!

As time has passed, YEAH -- I've had hopes and dreams of getting married. Annnnd I had hopes and dreams of marrying Tyler. HOWEVER -- because I loved him. Not solely for the sake of getting married. On top of that, as the years passed I really did see the value of getting an education. But... it didn't [by ANY means] mean that I wanted to get an education or suddenly liked school.

In fact, I hate school.

Yeah, you'd never guess I graduated in the top 5% of my senior class. That's because I didn't. (I was in the top 6% ...wink;)

ANYWAY.

My point here is that college has been hard for me. First and foremost -- because I hate reading. And all college is... is reading. Also, I wanted to get married. And possibly sorta (if the circumstances permitted)... be a teacher someday.

Well, today I had an epiphany.

Today in my IP&T 213 class (Assessment & Instructional Design), an elementary school teacher from Provo came to speak. For our preparation homework, I had already watched three videos of her teaching her 6th grade class. From what I saw, she knew her stuff. She had her management techniques down, her lessons were clear and clean-cut, and she was explicitly and systematically direct in her lessons -- actively engaging the students in the learning process. To say the least, watching these videos made me feel very intimidated. Honestly I couldn't help but think, "How will I ever be as good as her?!"

Well, today when she came to our class to speak, she was phenomenal. As she gave us some helpful tips that she wished she had known prior to her career, the Spirit was so strong. As she spoke about setting high expectations for her students and building positive and loving relationships with them, it HIT me. She started talking about how they might not have the best home life -- how you will encounter students who tell you stories that you'll have to report to CPS (Child Protective Services). Suddenly I just realized... This is why I am going to be a teacher. It's not just about teaching students how to read, multiply & divide, and conduct science experiments. It's about loving them as children of God and being there for them when no one else is. She proceeded to tell us how she starts every work day with a prayer in her heart that she will know how to reach each and every student -- those lower-achievers, higher-achievers and those who need her love just because.

No joke -- I started crying during her presentation. It was so powerful.

Of course college is hard and, quite frankly, it sometimes just plain sucks -- but one day, it will be worth it!

For real this time.

Alright, alright. I know I've made a post like this one before, but I really mean it this time.

I think we ladies can agree that nothing is crazier or more cynical than a hurt or heartbroken woman. With that being said I apologize for my snarky remarks lately... You know, the ones about anything and everything. For instance, last night's post that is now edited. I know that I didn't say anything terribly offensive, but I woke up this morning feeling like I should keep those subtle, cutting comments to myself. It's one thing to be honest, but it's quite another to be rude. I also want to apologize for anonymously calling anyone out ever on my blog. Granted, you don't necessarily know if it was you or your friend being called out -- or even anyone you know at all. But, regardless if it was you or someone you know, my point here is that I am going to be a little nicer from now on. After all... Be pretty. Be witty. Be gracious if it kills you. (Sometimes it really does kill me -- but I will do what I need to do in order to keep my dignity in tact.) 

Thank you for reading. It's homework time.

Just a few thoughts.

I just have a few things on my mind. Some good, some slightly blunt. But... that's just how it is, so you're just gonna have to roll with it.

The pronunciation of Tempe is "temp-E." Not "Temp-ay." We Arizonans know how it's done.

I really need to go running. It's been a whole two days, but I ate a lot this weekend. A lot.

I have a blind date on Tuesday. #3. #yolo.

I really hate emptying the dishwasher. I feel bad for my roommates... because I never empty it.

Tomorrow is not going to be fun. I was up until 3am last night/this morning... and drowsiness doesn't catch up to you 'til 2 days later. Monday is definitely going to feel like "Monday" this week.

So I picked all the M&M's out of my trail mix... So naturally I had to buy more to put in it. #peanutbutteralltheway #ieatitconstantlynow

I swear the only hairstyle that stylists know how to do here in Provo is the "hipster" cut.

Exhibit A:

AKA... the Jef Holm haircut.

I swear, it's the only style you see on campus.

Anyway, I have to go to bed.

Beautiful heartbreak.

First and foremost -- after downing a Rancherito's burrito and a momma-sized Macey's ice cream cone, I'd like to share the news that I'm pregnant with twins.

...at least until tomorrow night.

Also -- I know some of you might have read my post on Facebook, but my good friend Rachel Brown told me about the CROWN Project blog. I was personally invited by one of the administrators to make a submission to their blog!

"If you are interested we would love to have you write your personal thoughts about the issue of self esteem/self worth. I do not know if you have had trials or things that have helped you shape or find your self worth/ esteem but that might be a GREAT thing to share."

See? Well, I am going to share the following post, but I want some feedback before I submit it! Facebook message me your thoughts!

Here it goes...

I think it's safe to say that we've all had that one major heartbreak that crushed us so bad that we did anything to seek revenge. Am I right? Well, that happened to me once. It was the summer after my senior year. Ultimately, I was friend-zoned by one of the sweetest, most charismatic yet biggest cowboy casanovas out there. Don't get me wrong, he's a great friend of mine... but I hated him for a solid three months. During those three months, I starved myself. And by "starved" myself, I mean I ate 500 calories or less everyday for three months straight just to show him how nice I looked in a size 6 pair of Express jeans at my "going away" party before I left for college. Did it feel good to go from a size 10 to a 6 for the first time since 7th grade? Absolutely. But has it sabotaged and affected the rest of my life? Yes. Because now I will forever think back to and obsess over how nice 130lb. felt. And, truth be told, I'll probably never be that tiny again unless I result to anorexia, bulimia, or liposuction. (Which, I can't say hasn't been tempting to do.)

As fascinating as that little story was, it's not why I'm sitting here writing this post.

It all started when a friend of mine emailed me about this CROWN Project blog. She's a frequent blog follower of mine, and I was flattered when she suggested that I write a post to submit. I had never heard about this blog before, so I considered it but also pushed it in the back of my mind. But... after "liking" the page on Facebook, I was personally invited to submit an article, essay or simply my thoughts about how the trials I've gone through have affected my self-esteem and my own perception of my self-worth. So, here I am!

Going back to heartbreak, I think it's the ultimate blow to a girl's self-esteem.

In high school and in my first couple years of college, I was pretty confident in myself. I wasn't necessarily narcissistic, but I was comfortable with who I was and generally the way I looked. Sure, I had my moments of thinking I was "fat" -- but what girl doesn't? My freshman-junior year of college, I dated. I dated a lot. In fact, I had roommates who harassed me for going out with a different guy every weekend. Flattered, that I was. However... it wasn't until I met my most recent... well, ex-boyfriend that I realized what it really meant to be loved for who I was rather than flirted with because of what I looked like. His name was Tyler. And I thought I'd never love anyone else for the rest of my life.

After three short months, we were engaged to be married. It was March 2012, and we planned to be married on September 1, 2012. It was a great, loving relationship built on the strongest friendship I've ever had with anyone in my entire life. He was my rock and I was his. We were convinced we could take on the world. We loved each other. And everyone else loved us, too. To say the least, I had never been happier.

To make a long, sad, sob-story short... I called off our engagement exactly ten days before the wedding. I felt strongly that it wasn't the right thing to do, and, ultimately after coming to grips with the whole situation, I realized that it wasn't something that I wanted to do. I chose not to marry him. And, now... I have to live with that decision.

After breaking up with Tyler, I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there for the rest of my life. The funniest part is -- I didn't even realize my self-esteem had been tainted in the least bit. I was simply heartbroken. I was convinced that I would never, ever find anyone like him ever again. He was my best friend; who would ever love me the way he did? How could I find another one just like him? Truth is, I wouldn't. This lasted for a solid three months: September-November.

During this solid three months, I started a new blog. I had blogged in the past, but I hardly posted links to it publicly for people to read. In fact, I was ashamed and embarrassed of people knowing my true self and how I felt about my social and love life... or, lack thereof.

This new blog, however, was created as a "venting place" for anyone and everyone who voluntarily wanted to crawl inside my crazy, heartbroken, hot-messy head. It was titled "A New Day...with a slight chance of thunderstorms." On this blog, I wrote about happy things... funny stories and silly embarrassing moments. But, during the "thunderstorms" I mostly expressed my very frank and blunt opinion about life and how hard it really was. Sure, I could pretend it was fine and dandy... but, we all know it really wasn't.

Over the span of those few months, I got emails and messages from people all over Facebook -- people from high school to middle-aged women from church! I'd get messages ranging from "I know we don't really talk that much, but I LOVE your blog!" to "This may seem really creepy, but I read your blog and I just love how frank and honest you are!" In fact, I still get those emails and I LOVE THEM! I'm not only flattered, but their love and support has kept me writing and given me the confidence to be who I am without being ashamed of it. And the best part -- it's no longer a "thunderstorm" blog. As the healing process has progressed, I've changed the title to "Pretty and Witty."

Also, this may seem silly... But as I've gained this confidence to be who I am via blogging, I've also had the courage to get back on my feet and tackle life again. Sure, it's not easy. But I've found the courage to go out again. Like... date again. Granted, it took me six months, but I'm finally here. Not only that, but I'm finally confident enough in myself to realize that I don't have to settle for the first guy that comes my way. I am no longer desperate enough to think that I need to marry the first guy that asks me... Unlike most in the Mormon culture sometimes think, it's OKAY to "feel 22" and single! After all, isn't life all about feeling "miserable, magical and lonely at the same time" anyway?!

Being engaged and doing all the "engaged" stuff has taught me that it's not all roses and that life is not a fairy tale... even with a ring on your finger. I learned that I am a beautiful daughter of a loving God who isn't going to make me settle for anything less than someone that's perfect for me. Ladies, you don't have to settle. Even if you're engaged... it's never too late to find your very own Prince Charming. Will he be the first guy that takes you out this weekend? Will he be the first one who calls you beautiful or even the first to tell you that he loves you? Probably not. But you don't have to settle for less while waiting for him.

You're going to get heartbroken. Unfortunately... it's what dating is all about. Like I always say, it's breaking hearts until you find someone who doesn't crush your own. But, please... don't learn it the hard way like I had to --

 Don't be afraid to stand alone while you're waiting for him.

THOUGHTS?

Message me via FB if you have something to say!

This road is anything but simple.

So I was talking to my good friend, Brittany Darnell, about that one thing that drives all of us girls absolutely crazy.

Yeah, crazy.

Dating. 

It all started... well, we'll just say when I was watching the Bachelor on one tab and messaging her on the other (quite the life, I know). 

She asked me if I had a "thing" with a mutual friend of ours a long time ago. Truth be told, no... I didn't. Did I have a crush on him? Yeah, but I thought he friend-zoned me. From what she says, apparently he may have had a crush on me, too. And... needless to say, it obviously didn't go anywhere. 

Then 2012 happened, and the rest is history.

And then we talked about how we are all just chasing each other. Seriously -- think about it. You're chasing one person while they're chasing another while that person is chasing another person... We're all just chasing after, dating, spending money on, and kissing everyone else's future spouses. And the reality of it all is... we're just breaking everyone else's hearts until we find someone who doesn't crush our own. Am I right? 

Okay, I could be wrong. But, if you ask me, it's just a different perspective of looking at things.

And then I think about boys and girls... and how they do the "heart breaking" very differently. 

For instance...

In my perspective, we girls are just straight up. Well, sometimes. You have the girls who simply won't respond to a guy's plea. If they think you're creepy, they'll ignore you until you just give up. And then you have the "nice" girls... who, quite frankly, aren't straight up. They'll be nice and reply to you, but they'll make up excuses until the sun goes down. Guys, I hate to say this... but this is a hint. If they want to hang out with you, they'll drop everything -- absolutely EVERYTHING to hang out with you. And -- if they don't drop everything, they'll at least say "Hey, I'm busy Friday. But what about Saturday?" If they don't give you that option... then please, just stop. Stop trying. You have better things to chase after.

But guys... Oh, guys. I am tempted to just say boys. Yes, BOYS. Some are good at not responding and not leading girls on... And girls, you gotta just take the hint. If he doesn't respond or doesn't text you, doesn't call or ask you out -- STOP checking your phone because he's not going to suddenly text you one day. And if he does? It's because Plan A didn't work out like he'd hoped. Please, don't be a Plan B. If he looks like a tool, hangs out in the toolshed... he's probably a tool. As lonely as you might be... yeah, just sitting there and updating yourself on the Bachelor on a given Friday night, don't give in. Just eat your ice cream -- or go running. (I'm on a Bachelor high today, don't judge me.) ANYWAY -- then you have the guys who are into you. They'll come over, cuddle with you, talk to you for hours as they play with your hands and whisper sweet nothings in your ear... And then you wake up the next day. And suddenly, for whatever reason... they've dropped off the face of the earth. As much as you'd like to take credit for pushing them off a cliff, you can't. Because they didn't fall... Instead, they chose to soar away like a vulture with your beating heart that they ripped off your sleeve. The worst part is... they leave you hanging there on the edge wondering what happened, why they left you or worse... what better or prettier girl they've found. And sometimes -- well, oftentimes... you never really find out what exactly happened. Typical.

Okay, that was a little much. I apologize. But it's true.  

But anyway, my point -- dating is so STUPID.

This is why I liked being engaged. I thought I'd never have to do it again.

I'll go finish my episode of the Bachelor now.

Some might call me crazy.

First and foremost -- there is something ridiculously therapeutic about a hot shower. I don't know what it is, but it gets my brain just flowing with ideas and relaxes my mind all at the same time like nothing else. (Okay lies -- running does the latter, but showering definitely gets the brain juices flowing.) I would almost say that watching the Bachelor does the same thing -- but I honestly can't. Watching other girls sit at home while the man they "love" is out with some other girl, quite frankly, just frustrates me and makes me extremely jealous for them. I know that feeling all too well. And it hurts.

Alright so I have this friend who's an old roommate of mine. She lived with me at La Jolla in Winter 2010 -- way long ago. Well, lately we've been talking/updating each other on our lives via Facebook chat and she has this crazy life story (well, dating story) that I have to blog about because it really brings out the "opinionated" aka... crazy side of me. (Don't worry -- I got her permission.)

Anyway -- so a little background information: Like me, she also recently got out of a really serious relationship. Although she wasn't engaged, it was coming. She ended it for similar reasons I did, and I seriously feel her pain so strongly that it hurts sometimes. She's been single for about two months now and she's finally starting to date again. In fact, she has a date every weekend. No joke she's a dating MACHINE. However, she's having a really hard time because the guys she goes out with just "don't compare" to her ex. (Yes, roll your eyes -- I did, too.) It's obviously something she needs to get over, but it's extremely hard for her because I guess they just "clicked" right away. (Understandable -- I can seriously empathize here.) Anyway -- so it's really hard for her to enjoy the dates she's going on because none of them have been what he was to her.

So she told me about a week ago that there's this guy she met who is way chill and super fun to be around. I guess he's a really good listener and will just let her talk, talk and talk (which -- this girl is gonna need a man like him! HA! Sorry girl, I had to.) Well, they've been out on one official date, but they hang out like 5/7 days a week. Long story short -- he eventually kissed her after a short amount of time, and I think it freaked them both out...

Well, since then, I guess he's been acting really strange. It's almost like he's a different person in different situations, and she doesn't know how to handle it. I mean, it's understandable considering they're not even "official" and whatnot -- but he hardly texts her anymore, and if they hang out it's always her initiating it! (AHH! This drives me NUTS because she needs to STOP!) So anyway -- She finally brought it up to him that she really likes him. When she goes on other dates, she can't even enjoy them because he's the one that's always in the back of her mind, yadda, yadda, yadda... She basically THREW herself out there and put her heart right in front of him to utterly and completely CRUSH. Although she agrees they're both not at all ready for a relationship, she just wanted to know if it will ever go in that direction. Because if not? She's wasting her time, effort and feelings to building this friendship that won't ever go anywhere beyond friends. Sure, a new friend is nice... but after you cross that "kissing" line, things are never the same. So, unlike you'd think -- he handled it really well. In fact, he took her by the hand and told her that he really likes her, but he didn't know what else to say. I guess the DTR went "well," but they agreed they'd talk more about it later on when he had formulated his thoughts about the whole situation.

Understandable.

But... they've hardly talked since then.

Like.. I guess, a whole 5 texts.

And now she just sits and waits and anticipates a text... like every 5 minutes.

Such a typical GIRL.

Well this girl (she even knows) is totally not ready for a relationship. Just like me, her breakup was recent and not the prettiest. She needs to date, date, DATE before she commits to anyone! And if she's anything like me -- she's scared of heartbreak.

Yet she's slowly but surely being heartbroken because she's sitting and waiting around on this guy who clearly doesn't see what's standing RIGHT in FRONT of him. This girl is an absolute catch and any guy would kill to have her -- seriously! Like I said, she has a date every freaking weekend! And yet... she's waiting around on him.

Ladies, why... why... WHY do we do this to ourselves? I've been through similar experiences to this one -- and every time I ask myself, "WHY do we do this?!" We are clearly capable of having any guy, yet we always want those ones we can't have. Or, the ones who break our hearts. Or, the ones who just aren't "ready" for a relationship.

Thoughts??

Alright I'm done.

I'm stressed. I need to go running.

But I just showered.

Story of my LIFE.