It was New Year's. I will say one thing and one thing only about... yeah. New Year's Eve will be the 1 year mark. It will be very, very bitter-sweet. A bitter eve... to an absolutely glorious New Year's Day. A fresh start. A new beginning. Truly.
This Christmas was definitely one of the best. I meant to blog about it on Sunday night, but I never got the chance.
During sacrament meeting on Sunday they had a Christmas program where they sang a ton of Christmas songs. We were sitting in -- no joke -- the last row. Honestly, I kind of liked it that way so I could get away with writing down my thoughts on paper without everyone else in the congregation staring at me for not paying attention to 90% of the meeting. Oh, and it was also nice because no one could see me silently crying my eyes out during the closing song, Silent Night. (No pun intended.) But I got a lot out of it... as I wrote my feelings down, I realized what a great gift God gave me this Christmas.
Let me explain.
Literally a week before Christmas, I found out I would get to go to BYU next semester -- something that I truly wanted, but didn't tell anyone about. Sure, I wanted to go on a mission, but I was also itching to just go to school and have a chance for a fresh start with new scenery and new people. Not only that -- but the greatest gift I got this Christmas came from the healing power of the Atonement. I'm so not perfect and I don't try to act like it by writing my testimony on this blog. But although I'm not perfect, I still have a testimony of the Savior and the healing power of His Atonement because I've felt it so powerfully solely within the last 3 weeks. For the first time, it doesn't hurt as bad. I am more easily and able to LET GO of the hurt feelings, LET GO of the anger and LET GO of him. Is it a fight sometimes? Yeah. But definitely less frequent and farther in between. When an angry thought comes about the whole "thing" or a thought about him comes to mind, I let it go and realize... I'm so lucky. I'm so glad everything worked out the way it did. And just like that... I'm just fine.
For instance:
About a month ago I heard that a friend of mine called off her wedding. Suddenly my heart suddenly hurt. I felt so much pain and so much agony for her... The pain came BACK as if it was my own wedding being called off all over again.
Just last weekend another friend contacted me and told me that her wedding had been called off. Did I feel for her? YES. Was I sad for her? YES. Did I want to hold her and hug her and tell her everything would be alright? ABSOLUTELY YES. But the pain was different this time... Instead of feeling distraught with my heart aching in pain, I felt sympathy but not agony. Suddenly the same pain was no longer there. I felt very sad for her -- but it no longer brought me back to my own pain of calling off my own wedding.
That was the moment I knew the Savior's healing power was working in my life. I had a similar experience last night.
Let me explain further.
As I mentioned before, whenever a thought or feeling comes about him or his new girlfriend, I have been able to, for the most part, let it go. (Don't get me wrong -- I had my "freak out" day.) But the very next day after finding out about her, I realized that 1. There was nothing I could do about it and 2. I was the lucky one. I called it off. I chose this path. And I'm STICKING with it. There's no turning back and I would never turn back -- as tempting as it used to be, I am so glad I didn't.
ANYWAY --
Last night, I got into a fight with my older sister. (Yeah, on Christmas eve.) I was obviously upset, so I just stuck in my earphones and just started doing dishes. Then out of nowhere -- a dam breaks and thoughts of him start flooding my mind. I try fixing the "dam" and holding back the "flood" but I suddenly just gave up. I thought, "You know... I haven't cried over him in a while. (Like 2 weeks!) It's Christmas eve and I miss him. It's my life and I can cry if I want to" kind of thing. (Yes 2 weeks is a record.) So, I took it outside and cried on my driveway with my face in my hands like a broken-hearted little girl does.
But this cry... it was different.
It was like I was forcing it. My heart didn't hurt like it has in the past. Sure, I was sad. But not devastated. I just cried. I didn't bawl. I didn't scream and/or wail. I didn't even feel the urge to go running! (Now THAT's a record!) I cried a little... and then I sat there. And tried to force out some more. And yeah, obviously when you force thoughts of your ex, you're bound to cry. So I did again.
But then I went inside, laid down on the couch, and fell asleep. Woke up this morning... with zero thoughts of him. Granted, it was Christmas -- but it was just different. It was like I knowingly forced those tears last night because I think my [female] body just wanted an excuse to cry. It was like the "last excuse" to cry. (GIRLS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!)
GUYS (You, Steven -- the only male that I know reads my blog): Sometimes girls cry because they're upset over something. Then, when that "something" is no longer a good enough excuse to cry, they'll try and think of another reason/excuse to cry just because they WANT to cry!
It's weird, I know.
Maybe you couldn't relate to that story and maybe it was pointless -- but my POINT is that I feel the Savior's healing power in myself and it's by FAR the greatest Christmas present I've gotten this whole entire year. I've been waiting to "find my old self again" and I've finally found it. I'm happy. I'm excited. I have a reason to smile when I wake up in the morning. My Savior is healing me and He can heal anyone who will give Him the chance. And let me tell you... it's the greatest gift you will ever ask for and receive as soon as you let it work in your life. It took me forever to get to this point of letting the Atonement work and heal me. No matter WHAT you're struggling with -- it can heal you, too... if you just let it.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
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