Keep calm and... just blog about it.

As many of you know, I've been on this roller-coaster of emotions lately. The most common "dip" in this roller-coaster has been the state of confusion. Truly.

The question lies... What will I do in January 2013?

One day I told everyone I was going to apply to BYU-Provo for January 2013. Then I told everyone I was going on a mission. Now I'm telling everyone that my mind changes everyday. 

Because it does.

Lately I've had a couple of my closest friends ask me, "Why is it so confusing? Just make a decision." HA! Seriously? Seriously??! If only you knew how hard this is. I am so grateful for all of the doors that have opened in the last two months, but at the same time... I wish I had a timeline that had the absolute, definite future written on it for me to see and guide me in which direction I'm supposed to go. Some of you might respond to that with... "Well, just read your Patriarchal blessing." It's not that simple. Because it doesn't necessarily say, "Okay, in January 2013, you will ___________. Then, after that, you will get married to ___________ on ___________. You will have _________ kids named _________, ___________, and _________."  (Okay, yes, I just claimed at least three kids.) But, you get the point.

Then, some might say, "Well, just pray about it." HA! Duh! However, as much as I pray about it...sometimes I feel like I do that a little too much. Now this is where I struggle with the whole "Agency vs. Inspiration" deal. I say that because no matter what choice I make, I know that it will be a good one because they're ALL good choices! Ever since I broke up with Tyler/called off the engagement, WHATEVER -- I've struggled with the whole revelation/agency process. Now, although I'm not making the marriage decision (which, will obviously affect the rest of my life one day), I'm still making choices NOW that will inevitably affect the rest of my life. The matter here is -- WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO AT THIS CURRENT TIME? Does it even matter what I choose since they're all good choices? Is it really just a matter of making a decision and sticking with it -- no matter what the choice might be?

Choice #1: THE MISSION

A mission feels good. It feels right because it's serving the Lord -- I CAN'T go wrong with serving a mission. The Lord will bless me in ways that I never thought imaginable for serving a mission. But do I just feel obligated to go now because I told everyone I was going to go? Or because the age cap changed and everyone is doing it? Because I feel obligated to bless my family by serving the Lord? Because I have people telling me right and left, "GO ON A MISSION!" Or because I felt it was right 3 weeks ago?

Choice #2, Part A: BYU-PROVO

BYU-Provo is a wonderful and beautiful place. It would be a fresh start, a new beginning. Graduating from there would be fulfilling my dreams since high school. It's a big place, a new place. New scenery, new people, and new experiences. Come on, it's BYU! I look at how I felt when I got in... CLOUD FREAKIN' 9!

Choice #2, Part B: MISSION, THEN BYU-PROVO

This is the mindset I was in when I got back from Utah last week. I said to myself, "I'm gonna do it all!" I'm gonna go on a mission and then go to BYU -- two things I never, ever imagined myself doing. And they're both once in a lifetime experiences. 

Choice #3:  BYU-IDAHO

Not too long ago, this option was a big fat NO. I absolutely refused to even consider it. I hate Rexburg, I hate the snow, and I hate running into every ex-boyfriend and their MOM on campus. I hate the stereotype, I hate watching people fulfill the stereotype, and I hate fulfilling the stereotype. NO, NO, NO. However... am I just afraid to go back because I'd potentially have to look Tyler in the face as he passes by me on campus holding the hand of another girl? Because I'd have to walk to devotional alone without him knowing I could have had him? Because I'm afraid of looking heartache in the FACE? Because I'm AFRAID? Because I'd rather run away? ...Yes.

But... then I look at it this way: I have TWO more semesters left. That's it. I have a TON to get done in the next two semesters. I have methods classes, the Praxis test and preparation for student teaching. What better way to strengthen myself than to go to BYU-Idaho, stand tall, sincerely ENJOY my last two semesters with my best friends and finish strong? (Not to mention, look extremely hot while doing it all -- I love being skinny & single again. HA!) Nothing takes more strength than that. Then, after graduation, I could finally submit my mission papers. After a mission, the Lord would eventually bless me with a husband -- and the best part is, I'd be done with school. I wouldn't have to go back, transfer any credits, struggle to remember anything for the Praxis, etc. I'd be DONE. But then again... do I run the risk of not finding a husband by already being graduated after the mission? No more student wards, no more foundations classes... no more Get Connected? (pun intended.) 

Now... can we see why Kendra is a hot mess? 

HOT. MESS.