Okay I just want to say something here -- I've been so pessimistic and so depressed in the last week. I've been back and forth on this whole mission thing because of the long and grueling process it has been to get my call. Long story short -- I've had to go through some medical screening before a call can be made. I hope that answers a lot of your questions because everyone has been asking!
Like I said, it's been a really rough week. I've doubted, I've been discouraged, and I've almost given up because I've nearly felt nothing. As I've prayed and read the scriptures, I know God is there but I've just felt so hopeless. Well, I did something about it... I decided I'd make some goals to start making the Lord a priority again. (Good plan, right? I thought so, too.)
Tonight as I was getting comfy for bed (really, to sit down and watch episodes on TLC.com) -- I decided, "You know... I haven't read my scriptures yet today. Maybe I should do that before going to bed instead." Then, when I walked into the office I saw an envelope addressed to me from Hermana Poston, A.K.A. Abby Poston who is currently in the Missionary Training Center getting ready to go to Fresno, California!
"Perfect! No greater way to start a scripture study than with a missionary letter!" I thought.
So, I opened it up just to bawl my eyes out.
After days of feeling nothing... feeling absolute NO motivation to serve a mission, she hits the nail right on the head with her words and amazing spirit! She is the most incredible girl and just boosted my spirits farther than I thought they were ever capable of being boosted lately.
I just want to share a few excerpts from her letter with you that really cheered me up.
"Kendra, I was thinking about you the other day while sitting in a workshop. The teacher was trying to stress the fact that the Lord's work is hastening and we have a duty to work harder, be better, and give more. HE then spent about 20 minutes talking about sister missionaries and how we have a better ability to touch hardened hears than the elders. The talk got me pumped and I just kept thinking, 'I wish Kendra was hearing this!' She has no idea how bad we need her and how much good she can bring to Heavenly Father's lost children!'"
"There are people out in the world that only Kendra Buckhannon can touch. They are waiting for you, pretty girl. Your experiences of the past year have solidified your testimony and made it so that you can relate with others who are struggling. Heavenly Father has been preparing you for a mission that you didn't even know you were going to serve. You lucky girl."
"Keep at it, Kendra! You are an example to everyone around you, and I know for a fact you're not aware of the people who look to you for strength."
Okay -- Future Sister Buckhannon is back on board.
I'm ready now.
No matter how long it may take to get my call, I'm meant to serve a mission. Only the adversary will try and bring me down -- and I will not let that happen.
Tonight I was reading one of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon. (For those of you reading, Mormons believe in both the Bible and Book of Mormon. Just a thought.) Anyway --
1 Nephi, Chapter 17 has so much symbolism that is so inspiring. Nephi mentions his families struggles in the wilderness and how hard it was -- but how the Lord got them through it and blessed them in the end for keeping His commandments, leaving Jerusalem and facing the wilderness for years! After years of living and traveling through the wilderness, they finally reached Bountiful and were immensely blessed.
Just like Nephi's family had to travel through the grueling wilderness, we all have to go through our own "wilderness" called LIFE. It's such a struggle sometimes, but as we keep His commandments, Hold onto Him and, essentially, trust Him, He will strengthen us and enable us to get through it. The journey doesn't get easier... we just get stronger. He will lead us and guide us -- and we will be able to MAKE IT!
"And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that y shall keep my commandments; wherefore inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall KNOW that it is by ME that ye are led."
Times can really be tough and it can be so hard to have faith in these words -- There are days when I struggle and think, "When will this ever end?!" But it is HIM who strengthens me... He, our Savior Jesus Christ, is who gives me the strength to keep going. There are indeed times when I fall and times when I struggle -- but I know that every time I fall, He will take my hand and pick me right back up again. He may not always answer our prayers directly, and He may send others to help us -- but regardless of how He may do it, He will always pick us up again. It is up to US to decide if we will keep going.
I love the Gospel with all my heart. Like I've said before, I'm not perfect. I'm a pessimist -- truly a pessimist at times. But I know at the end of every day (sometimes once at the end of every month...), He is the One that is there for me. Christ is there for us. He is the only One that truly will always understand. And I'm so glad that I have Him to lean on. I wouldn't be where I am today without Him.
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