The last day

...of the year.

Thank fetchin' goodness.

It's by far one of the most bittersweet days of my life today. The ending of the most wonderful yet worst year to date, yet the beginning of a new, unknown adventure.

I hope 2013 in Provo treats me well. New people, new experiences, new scenery... and please, no more beautiful heartbreaks for a while? But... I guess only the Man upstairs has a say in that one.

I'm gonna go work out. But I  really don't want to... I just have to remember "You won't regret it!"

Before I do that, I wanted to do something fun on here. Today I was listening to some tunes as I did the dishes... okay, I'll be honest -- rocking out during a jam session as I did the dishes and came across some pretty old/some newer songs that I used to LOVE. Don't you just love those ones? There are a few songs that take me back & will get me movin' and shouting at the top of my lungs. I wanted to name a few...

Take a peek. And don't judge. Only a little.

#1 - "She's in Love With the Boy" by Trisha Yearwood

#2 - "Dirty Little Secret" by All American Rejects

#3 - "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus (Again, don't judge!)

#4  - "Leavin'" by Jesse McCartney (acoustic version is my fave)

#5 - "I Want it That Way" by BSB (...Backstreet Boys, duh)

#6 - "Oops I did it Again" by the one and only Britney Spears

#7 - "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional

#8 - "True" by Ryan Cabrera

#9 - "Everywhere" by Michelle Branch

And lastly...

#10 - "It's Gonna Be Me" by 'N Sync

So I watched the Katy Perry movie...

And I cried for her.

Broken relationships suck.

Today was hard. I mean, well... today was good. Tonight was hard. The last 8 hours have been hard. Today marks the "1 year mark" since we met and it's been truly the best yet the most awful and disgusting year to date. Some days you think you've let go -- that you're over it all! And the next you're an utter and complete hot mess. Some days you feel so strong... so on top of the world. But on the inside? You know you're a whimpering puppy ready to burst into tears. Putting on a face, even to your own reflection in the mirror, doesn't last forever. No matter how great of a hair day, no matter how many friends reach out, no matter how many parties you go to... it doesn't take away the pain that's boiling under your gray cardigan and beneath your chest deep into the core of your broken heart. Then when you finally do let it all loose, you find yourself crying and hurting over everything and even for other people, even if it is just Katy Perry.

Tonight I tried having a Christ-like love for him. Tried to have charity. Tried to be happy for him. Tried to sincerely wish him the best -- coming from my heart. Kinda like the whole "love your enemies" thing... But it only made things harder. I felt it for a while, I did. But I think things like that take a little more time than a couple hours.

Especially when you get blocked.

I think I just got whiplash from that slap in the face.

Forgive me for being sincere. Honest. Hopeful.

"I'm trying to be like Jesus..." and I'm not very good at it.

Last christmas I gave you my heart...

Nah, just kidding.

It was New Year's. I will say one thing and one thing only about... yeah. New Year's Eve will be the 1 year mark. It will be very, very bitter-sweet. A bitter eve... to an absolutely glorious New Year's Day. A fresh start. A new beginning. Truly.

This Christmas was definitely one of the best. I meant to blog about it on Sunday night, but I never got the chance.

During sacrament meeting on Sunday they had a Christmas program where they sang a ton of Christmas songs. We were sitting in -- no joke -- the last row. Honestly, I kind of liked it that way so I could get away with writing down my thoughts on paper without everyone else in the congregation staring at me for not paying attention to 90% of the meeting. Oh, and it was also nice because no one could see me silently crying my eyes out during the closing song, Silent Night. (No pun intended.) But I got a lot out of it... as I wrote my feelings down, I realized what a great gift God gave me this Christmas.

Let me explain.

Literally a week before Christmas, I found out I would get to go to BYU next semester -- something that I truly wanted, but didn't tell anyone about. Sure, I wanted to go on a mission, but I was also itching to just go to school and have a chance for a fresh start with new scenery and new people. Not only that -- but the greatest gift I got this Christmas came from the healing power of the Atonement. I'm so not perfect and I don't try to act like it by writing my testimony on this blog. But although I'm not perfect, I still have a testimony of the Savior and the healing power of His Atonement because I've felt it so powerfully solely within the last 3 weeks. For the first time, it doesn't hurt as bad. I am more easily and able to LET GO of the hurt feelings, LET GO of the anger and LET GO of him. Is it a fight sometimes? Yeah. But definitely less frequent and farther in between. When an angry thought comes about the whole "thing" or a thought about him comes to mind, I let it go and realize... I'm so lucky. I'm so glad everything worked out the way it did. And just like that... I'm just fine. 

For instance:

About a month ago I heard that a friend of mine called off her wedding. Suddenly my heart suddenly hurt. I felt so much pain and so much agony for her... The pain came BACK as if it was my own wedding being called off all over again.

Just last weekend another friend contacted me and told me that her wedding had been called off. Did I feel for her? YES. Was I sad for her? YES. Did I want to hold her and hug her and tell her everything would be alright? ABSOLUTELY YES. But the pain was different this time... Instead of feeling distraught with my heart aching in pain, I felt sympathy but not agony. Suddenly the same pain was no longer there. I felt very sad for her -- but it no longer brought me back to my own pain of calling off my own wedding.

That was the moment I knew the Savior's healing power was working in my life. I had a similar experience last night.

Let me explain further.

As I mentioned before, whenever a thought or feeling comes about him or his new girlfriend, I have been able to, for the most part, let it go. (Don't get me wrong -- I had my "freak out" day.) But the very next day after finding out about her, I realized that 1. There was nothing I could do about it and 2. I was the lucky one. I called it off. I chose this path. And I'm STICKING with it. There's no turning back and I would never turn back -- as tempting as it used to be, I am so glad I didn't.

ANYWAY --

Last night, I got into a fight with my older sister. (Yeah, on Christmas eve.) I was obviously upset, so I just stuck in my earphones and just started doing dishes. Then out of nowhere -- a dam breaks and thoughts of him start flooding my mind. I try fixing the "dam" and holding back the "flood" but I suddenly just gave up. I thought, "You know... I haven't cried over him in a while. (Like 2 weeks!) It's Christmas eve and I miss him. It's my life and I can cry if I want to" kind of thing. (Yes 2 weeks is a record.) So, I took it outside and cried on my driveway with my face in my hands like a broken-hearted little girl does.

But this cry... it was different.

It was like I was forcing it. My heart didn't hurt like it has in the past. Sure, I was sad. But not devastated. I just cried. I didn't bawl. I didn't scream and/or wail. I didn't even feel the urge to go running! (Now THAT's a record!) I cried a little... and then I sat there. And tried to force out some more. And yeah, obviously when you force thoughts of your ex, you're bound to cry. So I did again.

But then I went inside, laid down on the couch, and fell asleep. Woke up this morning... with zero thoughts of him. Granted, it was Christmas -- but it was just different. It was like I knowingly forced those tears last night because I think my [female] body just wanted an excuse to cry. It was like the "last excuse" to cry. (GIRLS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!)

GUYS (You, Steven -- the only male that I know reads my blog): Sometimes girls cry because they're upset over something. Then, when that "something" is no longer a good enough excuse to cry, they'll try and think of another reason/excuse to cry just because they WANT to cry!

It's weird, I know.

Maybe you couldn't relate to that story and maybe it was pointless -- but my POINT is that I feel the Savior's healing power in myself and it's by FAR the greatest Christmas present I've gotten this whole entire year. I've been waiting to "find my old self again" and I've finally found it. I'm happy. I'm excited. I have a reason to smile when I wake up in the morning. My Savior is healing me and He can heal anyone who will give Him the chance. And let me tell you... it's the greatest gift you will ever ask for and receive as soon as you let it work in your life. It took me forever to get to this point of letting the Atonement work and heal me. No matter WHAT you're struggling with -- it can heal you, too... if you just let it.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

New Title

Yeah, I changed my blog. Again.

I was talking with one of my favorite co-workers yesterday and we were talking about witty facebook posts -- and then, as a result, decided this would be a great blog title. So, here it is. I also changed it because I feel like the whole "thunderstorm" stage is over. (*Knock on wood*) Hence -- why I haven't blogged in forever! Blogging has been my "outlet" for the last three months, and since I haven't necessarily "needed" to do it lately, I haven't posted in a while. Oh, and I've been super busy lately. Or, in other words, I've had a life lately. HA!

Oh, and P.S. I'm going public again. Hence the link on FB.

But... because I still sometimes have way too much to say, I will keep blogging. So stay tuned, I'll keep you readers posted.

I am so happy.

For the first time in a long time -- REALLY happy.

Today I spent the whole morning and a HALF planning for next semester -- fiscally, housing-wise, transportation, etc...

As I was telling my mom how stressful it was, she reminded me that it's GOOD stress! It's HAPPY stress! I get to go. Finally. I get to GO! I have been anxiously awaiting knowing what I was going to do for so long and now I finally have a plan -- and it's the best plan in the world. I'm so excited to go to Provo. Some might say, "Oh it's just Provo. A bigger Mormon bubble than Rexburg..." Yeah, so what! I have also heard that there is nothing like BYU campus. I know it's going to be similar, but WORLDS different from BYU-Idaho. I couldn't be happier and I couldn't be more grateful.

So yes I finally found housing and everything is falling right into place. What a blessing.

I can't wait for next semester.. AH! So happy.

Thank you all of you for all of your love & support :)

up and running... all thanks to YOU.

For real -- if I'm supposed to be "up and running" in the next 7 hours, I need to go to bed.

But I'm blogging instead because it's been... FOREVER.

Can you believe it?! BYU BOUND, BABY! 

"MEDICAL REASONS?! ARE YOU DYING?!" No. Just unofficially diagnosed depression. That's all. But for some reason... I'm on top of the world and I couldn't be more thrilled to go to Provo this upcoming semester. It will be a whole new experience and a fresh start! 

Seriously I couldn't have made it through without all of you and those who supported me through the last few months. You're caring hearts and listening ears have helped me get through it all. I just wanted to tell you that I am NOT what you think or say I am -- I'm not as strong as I seem. Seriously, you guys are ridiculous. But thank you. Your words of encouragement have kept me blogging when I felt the most criticism from others. For instance, I will share just a few of the thoughts I've gotten from random... VERY random people who I had no clue read all my rants...

I see your posts on Facebook every day, and I envy your positive spirit and your willingness to let go and trust in god. You're such an inspiration to women out there, even if you don't realize it. When I'm having a horrible day, I know I can just look at Facebook and see something silly you've posted or some T.Swift lyrics that I cry over  So anyways, I hope I'm not coming off as a stalker lol! I just wanted to say thank you so much for your positive attitude and words. You're truly an inspiration.

Hey Kendra, I just wanted to tell you that I look up to you and admire you so much. For the past few days I have had to make a very difficult decision between what I want and what Heavenly Father wants and it gave me a glimpse of what you have endured these past few months. My decision was simple compared to yours and now my respect and admiration for you has only grown. Thank you for being such an amazing example to me!

I like reading your blog. Your enthusiasm about where your life is headed is so great to see!

Kendra, So I know we were never super close but I loved [class] we had together last semester and I love your blog. Seriously Kendra, your honesty is refreshing. I am so grateful that instead of pretending like your life is perfect, you tell it like it is. I wish I could have the courage to let others know I was having a rough day and that my life wasn't roses. Also, I just waned you to know that people are praying for you.

Kendra, I think i's great that you have a blog and are writing what you feel. That's the best way to get it all out. I honestly feel for you, even though I haven't been through the same thing. Just reading your blog has helped me too. I know that whatever decision you make, whether to go to school or a mission, no one is gonna judge you and if they do, that's their problem. Anyways, hope you don't think it's weird that I'm writing to you. You're great and continue writing those blog posts. :)

Kendra, I just wanted to let you know that I've been reading your blog and I think it's fantastic. I know we haven't talked in about forever and I don't know everything you're going through, but I do know that what you last posted hit home for me. I don't understand love or the commitments at all, because I've seen it fail too many times. I'm sorry that you're going through what you are, but to be able to follow God the way you have is amazing. I's something I haven't been able to do, but maybe one day can. I hope all turns out well for you.

Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog. I just love how honest you are about everything and it helps me make it through my trials. Thank you for your amazing example of strength and faith.

I just have to tell you that I love your blog! I read it all the time! It is like my bedtime story. I usually read it before I go to bed -- I love it!!!

I just finished your blog post about "your thunderstorm" I know I don't really know you that well, we had a class together and now I basically know you through FB but I just wanted to say that you are truly amazing. You have such faith in the Lord. I cannot even imagine what you are going through right now, it has to be painful. I cry sometimes when I read your blog (a little embarrassing on my part) You have been through so much and I can't imagine having to chose to lose the person I loved the most. I know you have probably heard every "inspirational" thing there is but I just felt like I needed to tell you today that I really admire you, I can see in your blog posts, and in your continence that you truly have a wonderful relationship with Heavenly Father. Keep Blogging!

Guilty confession...I would like the link to your blog... It's just so good! Plus you're amazing and I greatly appreciate your ability to put things out there and not care.

I will be honest and say that I do read your blog from time to time... And even if I didn't know you, I would still be able to feel the strength behind your words. Kendra, you are one of the strongest examples of faith I've seen. I don't know what happened exactly with your relationship, but to see the answer and act upon that answered prayer, especially to be in such a tough position as you were, is total and complete faith in the Lord and a huge testament of love... So thank you for right now and this time being an example.

YOU KEEP ME GOING. THANK YOU.

one day at a time

Alright if I've learned anything the last three months, it's this: Never blog when you're

• heated
• upset
• very, very sad
• offended
• hurt
• depressed
• feelings sassy

I now have three posts that are "reverted to drafts" because I look back and think... "Okay, that was unnecessary. Paste that one in your journal and call it good." 

HA!

I seriously don't know how I've made it this far. Now -- don't misunderstand that. I'm not saying, "I don't know how I've made it this far without being so upset and depressed and without wanting to jump off a cliff..." Because trust me -- that wouldn't be the truth.

What I really mean is that I don't know how I've made it this far without doing something absolutely NUTS. I can't tell you how many times I've imagined myself driving up to Idaho and doing something I'd regret. Now, with that being said, something I "regret" being either 1) turning back or 2) ripping someone's head off. HA! 

Okay but let's be serious for a second.

Like I've said so many times before... I'm not perfect and I haven't -- BY ANY MEANS -- handled the last four months (wow, it's been that long!) perfectly. There are a lot of words and a lot of actions that I'm not proud of. And here's my excuse. Being hurt makes you do stupid, stupid things. But you live, you learn, and you move on with your life.

As hard as it is for me to believe sometimes (well, a lot more times than I'd like to admit) -- it's been hard remembering that there's Someone watching over me and strengthening me... getting me through this. I know for a fact that without hard experiences like this one, I would never truly learn the principles of the Gospel. 

For instance.

I was sitting in on a Sunday School class filled with 9-12 year old boys. The lesson was on the topic: "Faith is..." (Ether 12:6). And as I listened to the comments and stories about faith from the scriptures from the boys themselves shared, I realized... Wow. I know this. I know this principle because I've had to live it. And then I realized that I would've never really learned it UNLESS I had lived it. I never realized the value of the stories of the scriptures -- Lehi, the brother of Jared, Abinadi -- until I lived through similar experiences. 

As I realized how much I truly knew the Gospel because of my trials, it made me grateful for my trials -- and as sucky as they are, I truly FELT they were and are for a reason. To strengthen me and to, most of all, TEACH me. 

Then, the best realization came when it hit me -- MY LIFE has prepared me for the mission I am about to serve. I will be able to teach effectively because I've LIVED. And I am so grateful for the things I know and the things I've been through that have truly taught me the principles of the true Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Life sucks sometimes. And there are going to be so, so many times when we fall -- and as humbling as it is, we're gonna have to reach up so we can let Him pick us up.

sat-sat-saturday

(True story: Took me 3 times to sit down and finish this post. Here we are, Sunday night and it's finally done. And long. And random. So, back to Saturday.)

Today was the best.

First of all -- the weather was fantastic. So, naturally, I decided to get on my fitness. Me and Weston went hiking then went for a run. Well, I ran while he rode his skateboard for a couple miles. It was grand. Then, I worked.

I love going to work because I love, love, love my co-workers. They make me smile and brighten up my cloudy days.

GET THIS.

 Remember that scarf? You know, this one. (Click here)

So, my manager saw it and fell in love. So she went and bought it, too! Then we had a mini scarf-tying lesson at work with a customer because we're just hilarious like that. THENNN, I always tell my co-workers about my dating life. OR lack thereof, but same difference right? I tell them all about my dilemmas and "what if" scenarios. They love it. And, if they don't -- they're good pretenders. In fact, one of my managers told me she wanted to hook me up with the manager at Chick-fil-a because she thinks he's Mormon and apparently he was really cute. HA! Silly girl.

OH MY GOSH. So, funny story. Today there was a guy... (probably early 20's) comes in with someone who could be like... his aunt or something. He's, in his own words, "suited and booted" in a pink tie and suit -- like DECKED. OUT. Apparently he owns his own business and had a meeting, hence the suit and boots. Then he definitely gave me his card. Okay, he gave me 3 of his cards for me and my co-workers. But, come on. Let's be real. He was talkin' to me the whole time and my co-workers are married.

New story.

Tonight I got to go to Pei Wei with Jordan Fields! Yay for awkward RMs! Ha, just kidding. He was perfectly normal. Did you see my fortune on Facebook?! It was destiny.

WEIRD, right?!

It was a good time.

Thennn.... later on at like 11:30, I had to pick up Mathew from the dance. Yes, multi-stake dance. I was so proud he went because I used to love those dances. We definitely jammed out to "22" on the way home and, I'll admit, my brothers are hilarious in the car. And then I heard him in the kitchen later on singing "Boyfriend" just like this... so we made a video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpTcBdGk978&feature=plcp

I didn't know what to film when he was singing, so it's just a picture of Chuck Norris. NBD. Also -- maybe it was just hilarious because it was 12am. And now it's 12:56am. 

NOW -- Not a T.Swift fan? Tune out or exit this tab on your browser. I want tickets to her concert so badly. 

OKAY BUT HONESTLY -- the whole reason I was going to blog tonight was because I wanted to quote some of my favorite Taylor lyrics that I think are just so relatable and so... gah just great.

I love all of her music (obviously) but there are just some songs that are my favorite simply because of just... ONE LINE.

So, here we go.

From Fearless.

1. (From You Belong With Me) "Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you've been lookin' for has been here the whole time." Seriously -- I can't describe to you how many times every girl has probably just SCREAMED that lyric. But you know, some are just put in the "friend zone." Been there. Plenty of times. And you know what, sometimes that's the best and the safest place to be. 

2. (From Breathe) "Now I don't know what to be without you around... And we know it's never simple, never easy... You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand." Okay honestly, I wasn't the biggest fan of this song at first. Then me and Tyler broke up. And it was suddenly my life. "People are people and sometimes we change our minds... Nothing we say is going to save us from the fall out now."

3. (From The Way I Loved You) "[Blah blah blah about new boyfriend]And I feel perfectly fine...But I miss screamin' and fighting and kissing in the rain, and it's 2am and I'm cursin' your name. So in love that you're actin' insane..." It's true sometimes... sometimes that picture perfect boyfriend isn't really the perfect kind after all -- or you just find yourself comparing the new guy to your last boyfriend 24/7. Never been there, nope.

4. (From Change) "Ya know it's a sad picture, the final blow hits ya, and somebody else gets what you wanted again." O.M.G. That's all that needs to be said. Happens to the best of us.

From Speak Now (Okay -- I was totally impressed with this album because of the clever lyrics.)

1. (From Sparks Fly) "I'm captivated by you baby like a fireworks show." That's just hot. She must have gotten an A in English class. Good simile, Taylor. Nice work. (Also a great pick-up line. And, no, I've never used it. Yet.)

2. (From Back to December) "Your guard is up and I know why... because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind. You gave me roses and I left them there to die..." How. AWKWARD. Yeah, I'd be pissed too if I were him. HA! (The recording of this song combined with One Republic's Apologize is awesome. Check it out.)

3. (From Speak Now -- This WHOLE song makes me giggle.) "I sneak in to see your friends and her snotty little family all dressed in pastel..." LOL! "And she is yelling at a bridesmaid somewhere back inside a room wearing a gown shaped like a pastry." HAHA! She's so witty. This whole song is ridiculous. "There's the silence, there's my last chance. I stand up with shaking hands, all eyes on me... Horrified looks from everyone in the room, but I'm only looking at you." Oh gosh, could you imagine?

4. (From Mean) "Pointing out my flaws as if I don't already see them." Yep, definitely dated somebody who passively aggressively did that... It hurt and now every time I hear this song, I naturally think of him.

5. (From The Story of Us -- again, this WHOLE song is my favorite. Very well written.) "Now I'm standin' alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking... And I'm dyin' to know is it killin you like it's killin me?... See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy and you're doing your best trying to avoid me." Seriously -- relatable break up story. I love this whole song. Oh, and don't forget "I've never heard silence quite this loud!" So uncomfortable and so true.

6. (From Never Grow Up) -- AGAIN. The whole song describes my life 2007-2010. From the moment my parents split to the moment I went away to school... this song is perfect. "No one's ever burned you, no one's ever left you scarred. And even though you want to, try to never grow up." THEN... "Taking pictures in your childhood room (done that!), Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home (UHM, yeah. Shoulda done that.), Remember the footsteps, remember the words said... I just realized that everything I have is someday gonna be gone."YEP. And then this -- she nails it! "So here I am in my new apartment, in a [little town] they just dropped me off. It's so much colder than I thought it would be, so I tuck myself in and turn my nightlight on... Wish I'd never grown up." 

7. (From Better Than Revenge) This whole song is incredible. I would quote the whole song -- but I'll just say this. "She took him faster than you can say sabotage." LOVE. THIS. SONG. Oh, and she did. She did indeed.

8. (From Long Live) -- again, all the lyrics are amazing. But my favorite line has always been "And the cynics were outraged screaming this is absurd 'cause for the first time a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world." Definitely my favorite part of the song. And of course, "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you..." I love this song. I just think of my best friend when I hear it. Every time.

From Red 

1. (From Treacherous) "Nothing safe is worth the drive." You know you've had that almost-sorta-definitely-not-almost relationship that's terrifying -- and you're asking yourself, "WHAT AM I DOING?!" But you like it. And there's no denying it. And even though you know that person isn't a good idea -- something just attracts you to them and you have no idea what. So you go for it. I feel ya.

2. (From I Knew You Were Trouble) "And he's long gone when he's next to me... And I realize, the joke is on me... No apologies, he'll never see you cry -- pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why you're drowning." Can we get an AMEN? So many of them out there. Ri-dic-u-LOUS.

3. (From All Too Well) Before I even quote anything here... you can probably already guess every line I'm about to write about. 

• First -- "You tell me about your past thinkin' your future was me." Oh haven't we ALL done this one time or another? You spill everything to this person you think could potentially be in your future... and then they are your future. For a while. 
• Second -- "And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much... But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up." This line makes me cry. Because I was the one to tear it up. 
• Third -- "Then you call me up again just to break me like a promise, so causally and cruel in the name of bein' honest. I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lyin' here 'cause I remember it all too well..." Yeah, this line makes me cry, too. We've all been there. Or... the one on the other side. Gosh this song hurts but I just love it.
• "Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it. I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still tryin' to find it." Getting over the breakup. RELATABLE. 

4. (From 22) "We're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical, oh yeah." I've said this before -- but seriously. Describes life to a T. Most confusing and miserable yet the greatest time in life.

5. (From I Almost Do) "And I just want to tell you that it takes everything in me not to call you... I bet you either think I've moved on or hate you 'cause each time you reach out, there's no reply. I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye." 

Enough said.

6. (From Lucky One) "You took your money and dignity and got the hell out... Let me tell you now, you're the lucky one." I relate this song to getting out of a potentially tragic relationship. And let me tell you,  I bet we've all been the lucky one a time or two - even if you didn't realize it.

Loving you was like throwing a lasso around a tornado.

I tried to hold on.

Anyway -- LYRICS. Don't you just love 'em? This morning on my run/jog/sprint/semi-walk, whatever you wanna call it, I decided... "I'm gonna blog about my running playlist."

I have a playlist on my iPod solely meant for my workouts. (And I know I'm not the only one!) I want to share what's on it because aren't we all looking for some good workout music? Some have all KINDS of genres of music on their running playlist... some only have hip-hop while I've known some who only listen to Gospel music. Whatever floats your boat, people. With that being said... If a song doesn't make me want to scream, cry or run faster... it's not on there.

I'll just give you a taste of what's on my "A Great Running Playlist." (And NO, it's not just Taylor Swift. However, a lot of times I'll only listen to her. #duh ;)

Magic by B.o.B

Single Ladies by Beyonce

Holding Out For a Hero by Bonnie Tyler (Yes, please laugh. I would, too.)

Lucky by Britney Spears

Blown Away by Carrie Underwood

Stolen by Dashboard Confessional

Run and Tell That by Hairspray Soundtrack

Tune Out by the Format 

(SIDE NOTE: Kelsey, I think you'd love the Format. You love Yellowcard and when I was obsessed with Yellowcard, I was obsessed with the Format as well -- they're a local band from AZ that's made it pretty big. In fact, my oldest sister graduated with one of the guys in the band.)

Continuing on...

Forget You by Glee Cast (Oh, I just LOVE this one...)

Tell Me by He Is We

Wanted by Hunter Hayes (He's just HOT. And only 9 months younger than me!)

Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson (again, #duh)

Angel Eyes by Love and Theft (LOVE this song)

Bye, Bye, Bye by *N Sync

Change by Taylor Swift (Oh heavens I could run forever with this song playing...)

You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

(And then the whole Red album, of course.)

(...and her Fearless album.)

50 Ways To Say Goodbye by Train (LOVE this song! So catchy.)

Everybody Talks by Neon Trees 

(Oh, don't forget the Speak Now album.)

Better Dig Two by The Band Perry (NEW FAVORITE.)

You Lie by The Band Perry

The Climb by Miley Cyrus (Stop judging me.)

Oops... I did it Again by Britney Spears (Who doesn't have this on their playlist?!)

Call Me Maybe by Alex Goot (Nope, not the original. Although I do love the original.)

What's on your playlist?

This is refreshing.

So I basically cried today.

Let's be real.

I cry a lot.

A LOT.

But then... I was on Facebook & saw a post from my friend's mom.

That friend is coming home from his mission.

TOMORROW.

Me and this kid go way back. Okay, not "way" back, but we were basically buddies senior year and he became one of my best friends who I JUST LOVE. He's one of those friends who genuinely cares and yet... all your cares and worries go away when you're with him because all he does is crack jokes with you and make you laugh and laugh -- sometimes at other people, but laugh nonetheless.

Needless to say, I can't believe I forgot he was coming home this month. Let alone... TOMORROW!

Welcome home, Jordan Fields!

(Picture...senior year homecoming game. And yes, that's Natalie Grover's nose.)

TICK TOCK.

It's Tuesday night. A little before 6:20p.m. and I am not necessarily "depressed" per se... but I sure do hate "RIGHT NOW." I don't hate my life... my life is the best. But I will say that I hate "right now." Is that ok? 

It's just the waiting game that kills me. I would be so totally SET on a mission if I had gotten my call by now! But the fact I'm still in "limbo" and don't know where or WHEN I am going to drives me absolutely BONKERS. I hate not knowing what I'll be doing in January. I absolutely positively need something NEW to do by January. Here's the thing -- if I get my call and I don't leave until after April 15th, then I'm going to BYU for Winter semester. If I get my call and I leave before April 15th, then I will stay here and work for the next few months until I do go. So, long story short -- I NEED MY CALL. Because without it, I'm not motivated and have NO desire to go on a mission.

For real. The desire comes and goes like IDAHO weather.

*SIGH...*

"It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."

-Gordon B. Hinckley

"Why'd you change the URL?"

Beware: LONG POST.

A lot of you "faithful" readers have asked me... Why'd you change the URL?

Well, to be honest there a few reasons. 

1. I don't like the fact Tyler had the original and 2nd link... and now, here we have a 3rd.

2. Although it will decrease the # of "views" or "hits" I get, I'd rather have fewer people read it who actually care than a large number of people who are just curious.

With that being said...

Although I've been open about "not caring" what people think, part of me does. To be frank, I've felt more judgement than compassion from readers of my blog lately. No, nobody has said anything to me about it, but I've re-read some posts and thought... "Wow. I sound nuts." And then I figured, you know... I don't want people reading this unless they really care about what I have to say. Needless to say, I don't expect readers to necessarily "AGREE" with everything I say, but I do expect others to respect my opinion instead of regarding it as "offensive" and flagging me on Facebook. (I'm seriously still shocked about that, by the way.)

ANYWAY --

It's a "NEW DAY" and I'm thrilled.

I've had more "thunderstorms" than I've ever anticipated lately. "Lately" meaning... the past week. And I love  Mondays because they're like a fresh start to a new week -- physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. ("Why not Sunday? Isn't it the first day of the week?" some might ask. Sundays -- no. Sundays are depressing.)

Truth be told: I've been an emotional WRECK yet on a spiritual HIGH all at the same time. One day I'll be full of the Spirit & super stoked about a mission -- and then the very same night you'll find me crying, wondering what I'm doing because I'll suddenly have zero desire to go & just want to go to school to be with roommates, boys and doing whatever else single college girls do. 

Satan working on me much? I THINK SO.

Part of that has to do with the process of getting my mission call. I turned my papers in over a month ago and still haven't received a call for various medical reasons. The mission office received my papers, but due to some information I wrote in my medical history, they contacted my stake president and wanted me to do a few things before they made a decision about where to send me. They just want to make sure I'm perfectly healthy before I go into the field. So that's what I've been doing for the last three weeks. And what I'll do for the next two weeks... or, until they just realize I'm fine and just send me my call. You can only imagine the hassle it's been. Truly a "trial within a trial."

So, you understand now why sometimes I just want to give up and go to BYU instead next semester?

oh, P.S. Biggest pet peeve EVER. I love my mom -- LOVE HER. But one thing that bugs me the absolute most is when she'll walk into my room, see my crying and ask, "What's the matter?"

Seriously? What isn't the matter?

Another pet peeve -- when people say, "If you're going on a mission, then stay focused on a mission! Make a decision and stick with it! Don't post on your blog about going on a date with a hot guy if you're supposed to be focussing on a mission!" 

OH, SHUT. UP.

When I hear stuff like that, I just wanna be like... Screw it, I'm going to school then. I like dating more anyway. HA! 

And then that's when you'll find me in a feeble position crying on the floor like a toddler because I suddenly "hate my life" and don't know what to do.

Oh, this too. "Be thankful you're not _______________. A lot more people have had it worse."

If you're gonna say that to me, you might as well plan on never hearing from me again because just because someone may have it worse than me, it doesn't mean I'm not or shouldn't be hurting.

I'll stop now.

So that's my struggle lately.

But like I was saying -- it's a new day. I'm trying, trying, trying to be positive. TRYING to look forward to every "new" day and just taking it one day and one night at a time. It's so hard.

God has so much patience with me. Seriously. 

I bet He's looking down just thinking...

"Kendra... oh, boy. You're a mess. But I'm here. Stop putting up a barrier to me every other 5 minutes and just let me be here for you and continue to be here for you. Just because you may not like the blessing in disguise that I'm giving you, it doesn't I've left you alone because, darlin...

 you're NEVER alone!" 

I can't tell you how many times I've shaken my fist at Him... where I've just been so angry... and then suddenly I'm on my knees just pleading for strength. And the next minute I'm, once again, livid and giving Him the cold shoulder.

Yet, He STILL blesses me. He STILL gives me tender mercies that I didn't even ask for. He's here. I know He is. I just have to believe it and give Him my hand to let Him lift me up. 

One simple quote keeps me going.

It will all work out.

Not to mention all of YOUR kind words. I've gotten so many emails and comments about my blog that make me do two things: 1. Make me smile and 2. Make me laugh and think... "Oh, if they only KNEW! Oh wait. They do know... they read it and SEE how bipolar I am! How could they say that I am a strength and example to them?!" Seriously, that's why I always say... I'm SHOCKED when I get those emails. I just want to tell each and every person reading this -- thank you for being a support to me. The fact you read this and gain strength from my rants and, every so often, testimony... WOW. It helps me get through it and you TRULY are a support to me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're listening ears are what keeps me going because I'm sure the people around me who hear it every day are SICK of hearing about it! HA! So, the fact you voluntarily read... it means a lot.

OKAY NEW TOPIC -- A lot of you have also mentioned that you love my playlist on my blog! -- People have even admitted to going to my blog just to listen to the music! Well...mixpod shut down and I have no idea where else to get music to continuously play on it. So, I will say this -- my Missy Higgins playlist on Pandora is identical to what I had on here. Or, Regina Spektor. But some of the songs are catchy and sound cute and then OUT OF NOWHERE you'll hear a random F-Bomb or two that you'd never expect from British artists! So be careful ;)

Oh, and I ran across this version of "Wherever You Will Go" and fell in love. Oh, I also love "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins. SERIOUSLY.

Thanks for reading! Sorry it was long this time!

p.s. Can you tell I took the picture of my blog title (also FB profile picture) after I was crying? HA! That was definitely a "thunderstorm" kind of night. 

Random Rambles

First of all -- I love this video. This girl is basically a perfect example of what I would be like in an interview with Taylor Swift.

P.S. Long time, no see Mr. Bass.

Numero Dos: WHY did my lips start exploding with cold sores this week?? I usually only get them ONCE a year -- usually when I'm super stressed. I already got a huge one the week I called off the wedding back in August. WHY NOW?!

P.S. #TGFA

#3: I love my Facebook friends. Every last one of them. In fact, I "hide" very few of them -- but is there any possible way I can "hide" a reoccurring THEME on my newsfeed? Anyone?

P.S. Even the advertisements on the right side of my screen. Seriously.

FOURTHLY.

I've felt so loved lately. I <3 LEXI JONES.

P.S. Then again, who doesn't?

Annnnd fifthly.

I'm so glad tomorrow is Sunday. I love love love love loooooove Sundays. Until 4pm. Then the Sunday Blues get the best of me. I even love Mondays. I love Mondays because, to me, they're a fresh start to a fresh, new week. I'm gonna make it a goal to work out every day this next week... totally slacked off this week... eeeeek.

P.S. I hope my mission call comes soon :(

your future is as bright as your faith.

Third blog post in one night. It must be important, right?

Okay I just want to say something here -- I've been so pessimistic and so depressed in the last week. I've been back and forth on this whole mission thing because of the long and grueling process it has been to get my call. Long story short -- I've had to go through some medical screening before a call can be made. I hope that answers a lot of your questions because everyone has been asking!

Like I said, it's been a really rough week. I've doubted, I've been discouraged, and I've almost given up because I've nearly felt nothing. As I've prayed and read the scriptures, I know God is there but I've just felt so hopeless. Well, I did something about it... I decided I'd make some goals to start making the Lord a priority again. (Good plan, right? I thought so, too.)

Tonight as I was getting comfy for bed (really, to sit down and watch episodes on TLC.com) -- I decided, "You know... I haven't read my scriptures yet today. Maybe I should do that before going to bed instead." Then, when I walked into the office I saw an envelope addressed to me from Hermana Poston, A.K.A. Abby Poston who is currently in the Missionary Training Center getting ready to go to Fresno, California!

"Perfect! No greater way to start a scripture study than with a missionary letter!" I thought.

So, I opened it up just to bawl my eyes out.

After days of feeling nothing... feeling absolute NO motivation to serve a mission, she hits the nail right on the head with her words and amazing spirit! She is the most incredible girl and just boosted my spirits farther than I thought they were ever capable of being boosted lately.

I just want to share a few excerpts from her letter with you that really cheered me up.

"Kendra, I was thinking about you the other day while sitting in a workshop. The teacher was trying to stress the fact that the Lord's work is hastening and we have a duty to work harder, be better, and give more. HE then spent about 20 minutes talking about sister missionaries and how we have a better ability to touch hardened hears than the elders. The talk got me pumped and I just kept thinking, 'I wish Kendra was hearing this!' She has no idea how bad we need her and how much good she can bring to Heavenly Father's lost children!'"

"There are people out in the world that only Kendra Buckhannon can touch. They are waiting for you, pretty girl. Your experiences of the past year have solidified your testimony and made it so that you can relate with others who are struggling. Heavenly Father has been preparing you for a mission that you didn't even know you were going to serve. You lucky girl."

"Keep at it, Kendra! You are an example to everyone around you, and I know for a fact you're not aware of the people who look to you for strength."

Okay -- Future Sister Buckhannon is back on board.

I'm ready now.

No matter how long it may take to get my call, I'm meant to serve a mission. Only the adversary will try and bring me down -- and I will not let that happen.

Tonight I was reading one of my favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon. (For those of you reading, Mormons believe in both the Bible and Book of Mormon. Just a thought.) Anyway --

1 Nephi, Chapter 17 has so much symbolism that is so inspiring. Nephi mentions his families struggles in the wilderness and how hard it was -- but how the Lord got them through it and blessed them in the end for keeping His commandments, leaving Jerusalem and facing the wilderness for years! After years of living and traveling through the wilderness, they finally reached Bountiful and were immensely blessed.

Just like Nephi's family had to travel through the grueling wilderness, we all have to go through our own "wilderness" called LIFE. It's such a struggle sometimes, but as we keep His commandments, Hold onto Him and, essentially, trust Him, He will strengthen us and enable us to get through it. The journey doesn't get easier... we just get stronger. He will lead us and guide us -- and we will be able to MAKE IT!

"And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that y shall keep my commandments; wherefore inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall KNOW that it is by ME that ye are led."

Times can really be tough and it can be so hard to have faith in these words -- There are days when I struggle and think, "When will this ever end?!" But it is HIM who strengthens me... He, our Savior Jesus Christ, is who gives me the strength to keep going. There are indeed times when I fall and times when I struggle -- but I know that every time I fall, He will take my hand and pick me right back up again. He may not always answer our prayers directly, and He may send others to help us -- but regardless of how He may do it, He will always pick us up again. It is up to US to decide if we will keep going.

I love the Gospel with all my heart. Like I've said before, I'm not perfect. I'm a pessimist -- truly a pessimist at times. But I know at the end of every day (sometimes once at the end of every month...), He is the One that is there for me. Christ is there for us. He is the only One that truly will always understand. And I'm so glad that I have Him to lean on. I wouldn't be where I am today without Him.

Truth is.

Ice cream.

Wheat Thins.

Pinterest.

Facebook.

= Kendra's typical Friday night.

I was IM'ing a couple friends earlier about life and all of it's complications... and one of them said something so hilariously profound. I've quoted her on the blog before -- and I have to do it again.

"You will have that [happy story] soon enough -- just trust. But honestly, you gotta start doing things that make you happy. Flirt a little, laugh a little, crush a little until you aren't thinking about him you know... You are beautiful and you will get your [insert amazing man's name here], just don't settle. But please -- don't expect a taylor swift fairy tale either lol NOT HAPPENIN! lol plus she may have some issues we don't know about lol."

Isn't she hilarious? First roommate in college & pretty much like my big sister. Always there for me, and she always gives me a good laugh.

Alright but honestly -- truth is. 

Rant #1:

I know there are a lot of people who read my blog. Some read it critically, some cynically. Some read it for entertainment, some for inspiration (which, is shocking). My point here is -- whoever you are, for whatever reason you're reading -- you're still reading it. I need you to know this: I don't know everything and I'm not perfect. In fact, I know I'm moody and I know I seem bipolar at times... One day I'm super happy and other times, I'm a mess & I am not afraid to write about it or to share it with the world. To be honest, it's how I get it off my chest. Some might respond to that by saying, "So journal about it!" No. I don't want to. Some of you think I'm crazy for "posting about my life all over the internet." Well, so be it. I'll end there.

Rant #2:

Pinterest. I LOVE IT.

favorite pins.

Okay I love Pinterest. Some of my favorites from today...

Okay this girl has the cutest hair and the cutes blog EVER.

And have you seen this video? The following pin will make more sense if you've seen this video...

And I love this...

OH.MY.GOSH.

This was taken when I was a Leo DIEHARD.

Like...back in 2nd grade.

You know, when Titanic came out?

Pretty much...

And WHO doesn't like little smokies?!

HOW I WILL FEEL.

Not.

I will never, ever get fat.

Okay, maybe I will get fat.

After making peanut butter & banana french toast!

...and Butterfinger dessert.

To.Die.For.

Happy Pinning :)

this one's for you.

To all those who've been there for me, or at least made an attempt to be. Thank you.
To all those who think I'm an emotional, crazy, borderline psychopath. You're probably right.
To all those who've blocked and/or hidden me from your Facebook newsfeed. Rightfully so.
To all those who've always gotten what you wanted. Count your blessings.
To all those who think they've got it all figured out. Be careful.
To all those who've got the ones you love. Hold them tightly and don't let go.
To all those who've never had something ripped from your fingertips. Few of you exist.
To all those who've had to let go with or without a choice. I feel for you.
To all those who've had your mascara ruined at 2:00 in the morning without any warning. We should start a club.
To all those who have your moms and your dads still standing by each other. Pray and thank God everyday.
To all those who got to marry your best friend. Don't let 'em go.
To all those who've had their first child and have a new little eternal family. I envy you.
To all those who've earned your degree and have started your career. I envy your passion and endurance to the end.
To all those who've got perfect eyesight. I am also very jealous.
To all those who love others so easily and hardly ever get offended. Thanks for loving me unconditionally.
To all those who've sat and listened...or have simply read. You mean a lot to me.
To all those who've made me laugh when I wanted to cry. The world needs more people like you.
To all those who've sent me a secret message. You are what keeps me going.
To all those who've served my family in any shape or form. We thank and love you.
To all those who've hurt me, intentionally or not. I pray one day I'll forgive every one of you. One day at a time. I'll get there.
To all those who've done me a favor...or two. Or three...or four. I owe you.

That's all.