So I got a phone call today...

...from a friend who will remain anonymous.

And she told me the funniest story.

Apparently she met the CUTEST boy last night at a YSA activity. Long story short... they flirted up a storm and he even got her number!

[[[bow chicka wow wow]]]

And then she found out he was 18.

And reporting to the MTC in March.

She's not 18.

Nor is she reporting to the MTC.

Because she's not 19. (HAHA that was a joke -- but really. She's not 19.)

The hints stop there.

She told me this story and we laughed & laughed... and then it reminded me of other secret cougars out there...

CONFESSION: like myself.

OKAY BUT REALLY -- Everyone has a crush that's just a weeeee bit younger than them, don't they? Okay maybe not.

Let's start at the very beginning:

One day in church (YES, IN CHURCH) my mom mentions to me that I should go after this TEENAGER in our ward. I swear, I think he's 18...maybe even 17. We are good friends with his mom and I'm sure she'd even get a kick out of this story! Anyway my mom thinks this boy is the hottest kid on the BLOCK. And that we should get married after our missions.

Weirdo!Yeah, I thought the same thing.

And then a couple weeks go by...

I was nannying for a family in our stake one weekend and obviously attended their ward that Sunday. (Okay, this could get a little risky...) And an 18 year old spoke in sacrament meeting who is also preparing for a mission.

OH. MY. CUTE.

He was fetching adorable.

And it was that day that I secretly labeled myself a "cougar."

BAHAHAHA! 

[Pun intended.]

Want to know who the mystery man is?

Too bad.

Okay, message me. Maybe I'll tell you... if you haven't guessed already.

Edified.

So lately I've been thinking about this blog as a whole... and what it really means. (That sounded so deep and profound, I know.)

But really.

I thought about it today at church. I was sitting next to a lady in our ward who is also a Facebook friend/part-time blog reader of mine. She said to me, "You know, I was thinking about you the other day and how funny it is that I hardly know you, yet I feel like I know you because I'm friends with you on Facebook and I sometimes read your blog." We agreed -- it was kinda weird, but funny.

Then I thought, "I wonder if she thinks I'm crazy..." 

I mean let's be real -- along with other moms at church who weren't in the ward during my teenage years, she hardly knows me. I can't help but think these people probably see me with my family and know the [very minimal] following things about me:

• I'm Michelle Buckhannon's daughter.
• I'm a college student.
• I'm an older sister. (Some people even think I'm the oldest.)
• I dress pretty cute for church.
• I'm the one who called off my wedding.
• I look ticked off 90% of the time. (It's my natural facial expression -- I can't help it!)

And then they read my blog and know the "true" me because this is the one place where I  truly do let my "true" self "shine" per se. In other words, it's the place where you find out that Kendra Buckhannon truly IS crazy! -- Which, also could be seen as "She has a valiant testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ, God and His plan for her -- and she shares it. Yet, she's a train wreck, she complains and sometimes even vents about anonymous persons from time to time. She's basically bipolar." 

Okay, so that means I'm normal right? Because we all do it. We all know in the back of our minds and deep down in our hearts that everything is going to be OKAY but we still complain and we still vent. To put it simply -- we all have our own little thunderstorms. And I'm simply open about them (some, not all). Whereas, there are others struggling who put on a smiling face 100% of the time, even if it's just a facade, to let people think that they're strong and nothing has ever torn them down to bring them to ground ZERO. Don't get me wrong -- it's completely OKAY to deal with problems and trials like that. We all do it differently. My way of dealing with my problems and trials, however, is openly on my own blog. And I've come to the conclusion that that's okay. So, when I thank you, my readers, I mean it. You don't have to read and you don't have to listen... but you do. It is a friendly reminder to me that someone out there is listening and maybe even cares. (Even if you don't  care and you still read -- I am still thankful for you ;)

With all that being said, I do want to do share one more thing and that is my testimony. 

I'd like to start off by saying that I know that Butterfingers are the best Halloween candy on the face of the planet followed by Mr. Goodbars. (You'd never guess what I just ate.)

Okay now but really. 

Today I was tempted to bear my testimony at church, but I didn't have enough time and I feel like I just did it at church. (All the way back in September -- just too recent for me.) Anyway.

Times have been so hard. I'm not saying that to complain; I'm saying that to be honest. Some days are so busy and therefore so easy to get through while others seem to drag on forever. I haven't been the best at staying close to the Lord lately. In other words, I've been really lagging in my scripture study and personal prayers. (If you pull the "You're going on a mission! Get to it!" card on me, I think I'd have to kill you because I've pulled it on myself plenty of times lately.) It's so hard because sometimes you feel like there's nothing there... you're numb to it all. It's like you feel numb to the Holy Ghost, even if you know you're worthy of feeling it. It's weird. Anyway, today at church I felt so touched by the Spirit for the first time in so long. 

It first happened in Sunday school when Sis. Hinton asked for volunteers to share any experience they had with receiving answers/making decisions from reading the scriptures. Out of nowhere I raised my hand. (What the heck?!) And I knew I had definitely received answers through scripture study.

I shared the experience I had when I learned that I had to serve a mission. I started out by saying that during the last couple of months I had to make a lot of decisions. [INSERT: choking up here] I had been praying and praying about what to do. And one day (along with much prayer) I was reading my scriptures. I was reading about the last days and then the election/politics came to mind. It occurred to me that I live in scary times and truly the last dispensation. A sudden desire burned within me to spread good in the world -- to gather God's children and to build God's army. I knew immediately that I was to serve a mission. 

After making the choice to serve a mission, there have been several more witnesses shown to me that it is the right decision. About a month ago after making that choice, I was prompted to read my Patriarchal blessing. I kept putting it off... but finally one night I opened it up thinking, "Okay what do you want to tell me, Lord? I've read this thing a million times over -- what more could there possibly be? I practically have it memorized!" Well, as I started the very first paragraph, I knew immediately what the Lord wanted me to know. I feel very strongly, deep in my heart, that there are people I promised to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with before this life and that those memories, acquaintances, and sweet experiences will be close in my memory as I teach them on my mission. I can't wait for the day where that revelation is indeed fulfilled. I know that wherever I go -- it will be the right place. I will have the privilege of meeting people and touching their lives with my testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ. He loves me and you so much. All He wants is for us to be with Him again forever. 

The comforting powers of the Holy Ghost are also real. There is a Godhead -- our God, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. They love us so much and are always there for us. The scriptures -- Bible and Book of Mormon are REAL and TRUE. The Book of Mormon is another TESTAMENT and proof of Jesus Christ -- that he LIVED and STILL lives and is there to save us when we give Him our whole hearts and efforts to doing what is right. He took upon Himself our sins and iniquities so that we could live again.

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the Atonement, the scriptures, God's living prophets and apostles that speak to Him and guide us, direct us, and love us as He does.

I love who I am. I love my life. I love my experiences and trials that test me so that I can PROVE to my loving God -- whom is also literally my Heavenly Father -- that I am His faithful daughter that will forever remain faithful until the end.

Have no idea what I'm talking about? Learn more at the following websites.

lds.org

mormon.org

"Mom, Cece told me to shut up!"

No, I did NOT tell Amanda to "shut up."

I told someone on my Facebook newsfeed to shut up.

One of my biggest pet peeves. Updates that go as follows...

"I miss him. He's so far away."


. . .

SHUT. UP.

Seriously.

Be grateful you have him. Be grateful he's yours. Be grateful for forever.

Okay I'm done.

[It's clearly been a long day... can ya tell?]

It's been a roughie. But a goodie. But kind of a roughie.

Yesterday was tough. Today was better though.

Last night I spent the night at the bestie's in Mesa, then went to the temple this morning. It was a good experience. However, I was in and OUT of the temple within 30 minutes -- did baptisms that fast! WOWZA! It was nuts. Then, I went to Sweet Cakes by my lonesome and got a salad & sandwich. It was pretty much delish. Then, I went to my grandma's house all afternoon. We went to fro-yo. (Turns out she's just as obsessed with it as I am!) We looked at old photo albums and then I zonked out on her couch for 2 hours! It was FAB. I love her so much. She's pretty much the craziest yet the BEST grandma any girl could ask for. She's truly an angel and always there for me. For reals.

Today I drove home...and it took 90 minutes. Seriously 90 minutes. It usually takes 45. Traffic sucks.

However... on the way home, I talked to an old friend the whole way. It was very nice, awful, lovely, miserable and magical at the same time. I love him. And I hate him. But I love him more than anything. GAH! Usually when I talk to him, it's like "Ugh I hate this. I'm mad. Come back to me." But this time it was more like... "I like being friends with you. I miss talking to you. I'm going on a mission and I can be okay with just being buddies with you for the rest of my life. Until I get married" kinda thing. Make sense? Probably not... at least to you. I don't know, I needed it. He brings me relief because he's the only one that can truly understand the pain.

Okay but I will say THIS...

One of my biggest pet peeves was a few responses to my facebook post last night. You know, the one that said:

"Remember when life was great and there was a reason for wanting to wake up every morning? Those were the days." 

Yeah, so what if I'm complaining. SO WHAT if I "wallow in self-pity" sometimes. SO WHAT. No, I'm not a suffering survivor on the east coast. Yes, my family is alive and healthy. No, my family isn't suffering. But I AM. Just because it isn't physically or as emotionally demanding as others' trials, I am still going through MY OWN trial and heartache and I'M ALLOWED TO BE UPSET. So, if you don't agree with a facebook status? Then DELETE ME.

I'LL GET OVER ONE LESS VIRTUAL SOCIAL NETWORKING "FRIEND."

No, I'm not strong all the time. In fact, I am a complete train wreck 99% of the time. Forgive me for being upset. Forgive me for being open about it. Forgive me for not hiding it. Forgive me for expressing myself. If you don't agree that I post about it, then, once again, delete me. I'll get over it. Trust me, I'm used to it nowadays.

Peace.

It drops below 90 and this is what happens.

My hands are suddenly made of scales! Seriously. I guess the fact that I'm a freak about washing my hands doesn't help much, either.

Did I mention my hair is dry and nasty, too? True statement. It doesn't GROW! It used to all the time -- but for the last few months, NADDA. I don't even curl it anymore! So, I finally budged and gave in... Bought the good stuff. (Refer to Facebook post -- Bed Head Recovery shampoo & conditioner aaaand... stealing my mom's Biotin.) Once I go on a mission, I think I'll stop blow-drying it and just let it grow.

Confession #1: I put on makeup for skype dates. Even if it's not a "DATE-date," I still call it a date. And I still wear makeup for it. In fact, I used up the last bit of my powder before I skyped last night. I'm shallow & superficial. So shoot me.

Confession #2: I have an awful late-night snacking habit. I need to kick it. Like NOW. I am SO GOOD during the day -- truly. I eat my bananas, broccoli, eggs, toast, etc... I'm SO healthy! Then, 9:00 hits and I'm craving pretzels, graham crackers, Nutella, and, when worst comes to worst... FRO-YO! Bad, bad, bad.

Oh, P.S. I put i my mission papers. Officially. Done. They're IN. My last post about being frustrated -- that was Kendra fighting the cold, hard truth. Fighting the witness I received to GO. Now that they're in, I feel peace. I feel like, "Ahhh. It's done. I'll make more decisions in 18 months. But for now? My mind can RELAX!"

Can I just say something funny? I stink so bad when I get home from the gym. Seriously. You know it's bad when you can smell yourself.

Time for a shower.

Keep calm and... just blog about it.

As many of you know, I've been on this roller-coaster of emotions lately. The most common "dip" in this roller-coaster has been the state of confusion. Truly.

The question lies... What will I do in January 2013?

One day I told everyone I was going to apply to BYU-Provo for January 2013. Then I told everyone I was going on a mission. Now I'm telling everyone that my mind changes everyday. 

Because it does.

Lately I've had a couple of my closest friends ask me, "Why is it so confusing? Just make a decision." HA! Seriously? Seriously??! If only you knew how hard this is. I am so grateful for all of the doors that have opened in the last two months, but at the same time... I wish I had a timeline that had the absolute, definite future written on it for me to see and guide me in which direction I'm supposed to go. Some of you might respond to that with... "Well, just read your Patriarchal blessing." It's not that simple. Because it doesn't necessarily say, "Okay, in January 2013, you will ___________. Then, after that, you will get married to ___________ on ___________. You will have _________ kids named _________, ___________, and _________."  (Okay, yes, I just claimed at least three kids.) But, you get the point.

Then, some might say, "Well, just pray about it." HA! Duh! However, as much as I pray about it...sometimes I feel like I do that a little too much. Now this is where I struggle with the whole "Agency vs. Inspiration" deal. I say that because no matter what choice I make, I know that it will be a good one because they're ALL good choices! Ever since I broke up with Tyler/called off the engagement, WHATEVER -- I've struggled with the whole revelation/agency process. Now, although I'm not making the marriage decision (which, will obviously affect the rest of my life one day), I'm still making choices NOW that will inevitably affect the rest of my life. The matter here is -- WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO AT THIS CURRENT TIME? Does it even matter what I choose since they're all good choices? Is it really just a matter of making a decision and sticking with it -- no matter what the choice might be?

Choice #1: THE MISSION

A mission feels good. It feels right because it's serving the Lord -- I CAN'T go wrong with serving a mission. The Lord will bless me in ways that I never thought imaginable for serving a mission. But do I just feel obligated to go now because I told everyone I was going to go? Or because the age cap changed and everyone is doing it? Because I feel obligated to bless my family by serving the Lord? Because I have people telling me right and left, "GO ON A MISSION!" Or because I felt it was right 3 weeks ago?

Choice #2, Part A: BYU-PROVO

BYU-Provo is a wonderful and beautiful place. It would be a fresh start, a new beginning. Graduating from there would be fulfilling my dreams since high school. It's a big place, a new place. New scenery, new people, and new experiences. Come on, it's BYU! I look at how I felt when I got in... CLOUD FREAKIN' 9!

Choice #2, Part B: MISSION, THEN BYU-PROVO

This is the mindset I was in when I got back from Utah last week. I said to myself, "I'm gonna do it all!" I'm gonna go on a mission and then go to BYU -- two things I never, ever imagined myself doing. And they're both once in a lifetime experiences. 

Choice #3:  BYU-IDAHO

Not too long ago, this option was a big fat NO. I absolutely refused to even consider it. I hate Rexburg, I hate the snow, and I hate running into every ex-boyfriend and their MOM on campus. I hate the stereotype, I hate watching people fulfill the stereotype, and I hate fulfilling the stereotype. NO, NO, NO. However... am I just afraid to go back because I'd potentially have to look Tyler in the face as he passes by me on campus holding the hand of another girl? Because I'd have to walk to devotional alone without him knowing I could have had him? Because I'm afraid of looking heartache in the FACE? Because I'm AFRAID? Because I'd rather run away? ...Yes.

But... then I look at it this way: I have TWO more semesters left. That's it. I have a TON to get done in the next two semesters. I have methods classes, the Praxis test and preparation for student teaching. What better way to strengthen myself than to go to BYU-Idaho, stand tall, sincerely ENJOY my last two semesters with my best friends and finish strong? (Not to mention, look extremely hot while doing it all -- I love being skinny & single again. HA!) Nothing takes more strength than that. Then, after graduation, I could finally submit my mission papers. After a mission, the Lord would eventually bless me with a husband -- and the best part is, I'd be done with school. I wouldn't have to go back, transfer any credits, struggle to remember anything for the Praxis, etc. I'd be DONE. But then again... do I run the risk of not finding a husband by already being graduated after the mission? No more student wards, no more foundations classes... no more Get Connected? (pun intended.) 

Now... can we see why Kendra is a hot mess? 

HOT. MESS.

Be fearless, speak now, and love red.

Today was full of busy-ness. I went to cycling, made Mathew lunch & brought it to him, did laundry, washed dishes, sanded & painted little wooden stars for Activity Days (my mom's calling), made cinnamon rolls, picked up kids from school, went to a movie, and then took Mathew to the store. And 99.9% of the time... I was listening to Taylor Swift as I did it all. Yep, one of those highs again.

Before I go on forever about Taylor Swift, I have a really, really disgusting story -- so disgusting that it's absolutely HILARIOUS. 

Today when I was running Mathew a lunch, I thought I'd take our dog, Rizzo, with me just for kicks. I've never taken her anywhere in the car before, but I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal. Well, after running to the high school, I checked the mail and just left her in the car for .2 seconds.

Later on in the day when I picked up the little kids from school, one kid slid right in and then as Amanda gets in the car, she yelps... "What is that?!" 

I turned around and saw a glob of brown... Thinking it was a joke the kids were playing on me, I laughed. And then they started laughing so hard that we all couldn't stop! But continued to freak out...because it wasn't a joke. Yep. Turns out poor little Rizzo got a little car sick this morning... But it didn't smell bad or anything! Needless to say, the trip home from school was an exciting and hilarious one.

Okay, so here I go. If you don't like T.Swift, time to tune out. 

I love Red. Love, love, love! It's definitely very "pop" -- but every song has such a catchy beat that it just makes you wanna dance. And then, of course, you have the sappy yet heartbreaking songs. You know, those ones I can particularly relate to right now? Seriously. "I almost do" is my LIFE. Every word. Then again, so is "We are never ever getting back together" -- especially the "exhausting" part. Truly. That's what it was like. For three weeks straight. (But c'mon, can you blame him? Bahahaha ;) As far as "happy" songs, I love "Starlight" and "22." OH my GOSH, I LOVE 22. It's hilarious.

"We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time... It's miserable and magical, oh yeah."

BAHAHAHA! Although my 22nd birthday isn't for 91 days, SHE COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER!

However... I feel like she is missing the loud "I hate boys" dancing/man-hater songs. But, I guess that's what her last album was for. I didn't realize how much I like Speak Now until recently. She has some awesome man-hater tunes on there... just like she had on Fearless. Instead, all the break-up songs are "I miss you and I'm sad" songs on this new album. Come on, Taylor. We need more than just "We are never ever getting back together." We get it.  You're never ever getting back together. Like ever. -- but where's the story? What did he do to deserve it? We need a reason for not getting back together and we need to scream and dance to it! 

Okay now for the BEST part! I decided to put together a list of MY personal favorite Top 10 Taylor Swift songs. Before I do, I will say this: I think everyone's favorite Taylor Swift songs depend on their personal relationship to each of them. Of course yours will differ from mine because over the years, we have all related to her songs in different ways. (And let me tell you -- this was such a hard list to make because I honestly love all of her songs!)

Okay I failed.  I can't pick just 10. There are 11.

I will go from #11 to #1

11. 22  - So relatable. And so fun. That line I posted above explains why this is on the list. Truly a magical, yet miserable and free, yet lonely time in life. 

10. Fearless - I have simply always loved this song. It's a song about a first kiss. Can't get much better than that.

9. White Horse - All too relatable. I'm not your princess and this isn't a fairy tale... Every break-up has been defined, in some way, by this song.

8. Sparks Fly - Just makes you wanna scream-sing and dance! Seriously love this one.

7. The Way I Loved You - This song makes me cry. Tyler Conrad. Yep, just said it.

6. Long Live - Natalie Grover, I love you. "When they point to the pictures...please tell them my name."

5. Change  - This song motivated me after a heartbreak in the Fall of 2009. "And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits ya, and somebody else gets what you wanted again..."

4. The Story of Us - Hi, Skye. Yes. This defined our breakup. To a T. I love, love, love this song. I also love the music video. It seriously describes every single feeling I've EVER had. LOVE IT.

3. You Belong With Me - Oh, hey. My life in high school.

2. Never Grow Up - I heard this song for the first time and bawled. I swore she stalked me through my teenage years and then hitched a ride when I moved to Rexburg for the first time... and then wrote about it.

1. Love Story - Simply a classic. I always replace "Juliet" with "Kendra" when I blare and shout/sing it in my car. This will happen one day. And it's gonna last next time.

In all honesty, I haven't been such a fan of a famous person since the Backstreet Boys in 3rd grade. But I love her. She seriously follows me around and writes about my life. Or, we live the same life. Either way, I don't know how I'd get through without her music. She just... understands. 

#love #t.swift

PS - Dedicated bloggers: Remember this rant from Project Runaway? Classic. 

So, we all relate to her, she's every girl's best friend on the radio. She's cute, she's fun, she's real. We all bought "Fearless" the day it came out, then started singing at the top of our lungs to "Love Story" in the car with our best friends. We were astonished at every song because we could relate to every single one. Well, let's look at it all from a different perspective, shall we? So you like this guy, let's say his name is... Stephen? Well, you and Stephen had a class or two together, and then because of mutual friends you started talking, texting, and seeing each other everywhere. In all honesty, you always thought he was pretty decent looking and wouldn't mind becoming better friends with him. Then, once you start getting to know him, you find out his favorite songs. For instance, he loves good music and Tim McGraw, just like you do. Then you find yourself in the car driving, and "Somethin' Like That" comes on the radio. You instantly think of Stephen because you both love Tim! Well, so anyway you get to know each other better and you become great friends. However, you realize deep down...you have a crush on this boy. Then you think, 'Well, maybe he likes me too? I mean... I relate to him, I laugh at his jokes, we can talk about anything!' You just feel like saying, "Hey Stephen, I know looks can be deceiving, but I knew I saw a light in you. And as we were walking, we were talking but I didn't say half the things I wanted to. Of all the girls tossin' rocks at your window, I'll be there waiting even when it's cold..." But no, you can't! Because Stephen likes this girl, and she's polar opposite from you. You just don't get it because you're the one who makes him laugh when he wants to cry and you're best friends right? Plus, "she wears short skirts" and you... "wear t-shirts." But, since this girl won't give him the time of day, you think 'Hey, maybe one day he'll wake up and find that what he's looking for has been here the whole time!' AND THIS... is where we all can relate to Taylor Swift because we've all been here, right? And Taylor Swift knows Stephen will realize this, right? Wrong! To further my point, you finally tell Stephen, "Hey, you belong with me" and then... you drop from Cloud Nine to Cloud Zero because Stephen just doesn't like you "like that." You're his best friend, remember? Well, guess what? It's gonna stay that way because Stephen, like most of his kind, has been leading you on. I'm sorry, and you think Stephen is sorry, but... he's not. I know you "honestly believed in [him]" and "that face of an angel came out just when [he] needed it to." Well, I hate to break it to you: "[He's] not sorry" and all this time you were wasting hoping he would come around, all that time you were giving out chances to take you... and he let you down - it's not going to change, with any guy. He says you're his best friend because you're going to stay his "friend." So, as you realize all of this... Stephen found a girlfriend. You just can't help but wonder, 'Where did this come from? I thought we were friends, he never mentioned he just entered a relationship?' Well, "it's a sad picture, the final blow hits ya, and somebody else gets what you wanted again." However, even though Stephen has a girlfriend now, you want to stay his friend. You don't want to let him go because you'd rather stay friends than nothing at all, right? So you support him, you keep talking to him, and remain his friend. So, later at school, when you see him in the hall you can't help but "fake a smile so he won't see" and just go home and cry because "he's the reason for the teardrops on your guitar." Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you but unless he's smart, he's never gonna "wake up and find that what he's looking for [HAD] been there the whole time." So, in short, move on. Find someone else who won't make you think "he's just another picture to burn" because someday, you'll find Romeo and he'll "[kneel] to the ground and pull out a ring and say..." You get the picture. So, yes Taylor Swift does know what she's talking about. That is... except for "You Belong With Me" because, even though you want it to, it's never gonna happen. She's been there, she's real, and she knew what she was doing with her album... "Fearless": Story of my life.

sa-curity, SA-CURITY.

Security. Definitely what I think of when I think of airports.

So, currently I'm sitting in SLC Int'l Airport munching on peanut butter M&M's as I watch loved ones, Mormons and a lot of not-so-Mormons walk  to the  Baggage Claim area. Mmmm so good. I love peanut butter M&M's. I bought the "Sharing Size" ...and didn't share them. I feel sorta guilty. However, I think I'd feel even more guilty if I ate a "King Size" all by myself. (Even though we all know they're both relatively the same size, just have a different name. What they should really be called is, "PMS Size")

My trip to Provo, all in all, was a success. I didn't find the man of my dreams, lay a deposit down on married housing or anything of the like -- but it was a different kind of "success." I pretended to be an adult as I drove around in my rental car (VW Jetta -- so cute) and visited friends. I saw Jake, Bryan, Rebeckah, Janae, and met new people there, too. It was really nice just getting away from life for a while. (So sorry to those I didn't get a chance to see!)

Also, while hanging out in Provo, I definitely decided that I will never go back to Rexburg. In fact, I really wanted to just move to Provo to stay and finish school... but the timing just doesn't feel right. I have felt strongly that I need to serve a mission, so I still plan on turning in my papers. I keep saying "NEXT WEEK!" but this time I mean it. I have put it on hold for long enough, and I have decided to go -- and to STOP changing my mind! I promise! (I'm so indecisive, I know.)

Ranting Moment:I also decided that I can't worry about what people think anymore. (Yet I do, I shouldn't.) There are some people, whom I thought loved me and understood me, who now think I'm crazy for calling off my wedding... People who are thinking that my own "issues" are the reason why I called it off and broke up with Tyler. Well, people, that is FALSE. Why in the WORLD would I put myself through this MISERY?! For fun? Yes, I have issues. We ALL have issues. But I know 110% without a DOUBT that marrying Tyler was simply not right. My own "issues" had NOTHING to do with it. Tyler and I were simply not meant to be. It's that simple. To think some people question my answers to prayers and make a mockery of the personal revelation I've received... The nerve. 

Anyway. Done now. 

Oh, P.S. totally hiked Y Mountain. Steepest thing ever... I wanted to turn around 1/4 of the way up... Glad I didn't and made it to the end! (Well, at least to the bottom of the Y. I decided that when I go back up to Provo for school, I'm going to hike it and then maybe even run it once a week!)

So I'm in Provo.

Remember this post?

"At the beginning of this life-altering trial of letting go of someone I loved more deeply than I thought I could ever love anyone else, I can honestly say that I had no hope for the future. Needless to say, I was confused, heartbroken, with a loss of direction and not knowing where my life was headed. Watching others' happiness and plans work out, all I could see were my plans shattered and broken 

to pieces. As time passed, I was promised through Priesthood blessings and direction that, although the road was rough, I would be blessed for my decision to change my course of action. However, I was also promised that I would not be blessed until I fully let go of the bitterness, anger and, essentially, him. This took the faith that I didn't even know I had as I waded through stormy nights of confusion and heartache. But now... those stormy nights, although still exist, are fewer and farther in between. The love and support of friends, family, my loving Savior and my God have strengthened me and, at times, carried me to this point of renewed strength and perspective of the future. Doors have finally opened and the blessings are ever flowing in. I have options of a mission, a new school and new opportunities, and the greatest part is that I can do them ALL! I know God lives, loves us and is indeed aware of us. For the blessings simply do not come until after the trial of our faith. Thank you for all of your love and support -- each and every one of you who have prayed for me and strengthened me. I couldn't have done it without you."

Well, I mean it with every fiber of my being. 

On Wednesday I got accepted into BYU-Provo, and let me just tell you... I screamed so loud that my mom thought a murderer was in the house. I was so excited and in utter and complete SHOCK! For one, BYU rarely accepts anyone with over 90 credit hours. I have 100. BYU also rarely accepts anyone with less than a 3.7 GPA. I have a 3.4. Upon applying to BYU, I knew that if I was going to get in, it would be a miracle... and that it would have to be "meant to be." 

And here I am... accepted to BYU-Provo. It must be meant to be. 

I called my dad, and by the tone of his voice, all I heard was... "Oh great, another OPTION. This girl is NEVER gonna make up her mind!" Nonetheless, he was still happy for me. 

Well, prior to getting my acceptance letter, I had planned a trip up to Provo this weekend anyway (kinda like how I finished my mission papers before the announcement during conference?) -- and being here has been very helpful. I feel strongly that it's where I'm supposed to be, but just not now. I feel like I still need to serve a mission and I AM! Getting my acceptance letter to BYU really inspired me to go (as weird and non-related as that is). Now that my papers are done and I'm accepted to BYU... I just wanna do it ALL! And I get to! After letting me into this new school, I think I owe the Lord a few months of my life. I have been so blessed lately... the least I could do is take this once in a lifetime opportunity and serve the Lord for a few months. Plus, I recently heard from a fellow prospectives sister missionary that the chances for school and marriage will always be there waiting... a mission won't! SO TRUE. 

So while being in Provo, I have come to the following conclusions:

• Traffic here is HORRENDOUS. So congested -- I hate it.
• The leaves here... oh my heavens. It's actually FALL! It's gorgeous. I love it.
• There are lots of boys here. And there will be even more when all the freshman girls go on their missions. I love it.
• The Mormon world is so small. I made three connections yesterday and one the day before.
• I am staying with my previous roommate's cousin who is roommates with a girl she knows from Indiana -- the girl from Indiana lived in Arizona up until 6th grade and lived about 7 minutes away from me when we were both little. WEIRD.
• My friend's other roommate (super cute girl, also going on a mission) worked with Paul, who I dated Spring 2011, at Tucanos here in Provo. WEIRD.
• The girl who worked at the sister-missionary mall that I met yesterday lived in Glendale this summer to nanny for her nephews -- smallllll world and WEIRD.
• I met a girl who worked at the car rental place in SLC on Thursday. She was from Sugar City, Idaho and knows of a few people that I go to school with at BYU-I. WEIRD.

Anyway. I love it here. But I'm going on a mission. I will officially and FINALLY turn in my papers next week. I promise.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by...

I love Les Miserables. It's by far my favorite musical -- well, a close 2nd to Hairspray. I cannot wait to see it and PRAY that I don't leave on my mission until after it comes out, which is Christmas. Speaking of Christmas and movies... All of the good, feel-good movies come out at Christmas time. I don't wanna miss any of them this year! Ha!

Okay -- also, the weather today is B-E-A-UTIFUL. It's never been so nice outside. In fact, it was so nice that I took a bike ride today in 75 degrees! So nice that every time I turned to go home, I went another 10 minutes. It lasted a whole hour! Complete gloriousness.

P.S. Just saw a status that made me laugh -- and so true.

And another one just below it that I love, too.

I'm convinced...

1. ...that whoever invented self-serve frozen yogurt was out to get me.

You know you have a severe problem when you'll willingly go by yourself to get it.

Anyway --

Tonight I was on my way home and a new song came on the radio. I've heard it before, and every time I hear it, I intend to blog about it but I always forget! So here I am...blogging about it.

2. I'm convinced Rexburg just got a theme song. Sorta. There is one line in Kacey Musgraves' Merry Go 'Round that sticks out to me every time I hear it...

"Mary Mary quite contrary,
We get bored so we get married
And just like dust we settle in this town..."


Am I right? Totally Rexburgians.

RANDOM THOUGHT: So today I was thinking... and I have so much to be grateful for in my life, yet it can be so heart-wrenching all at the same time. Isn't that funny how life can do that to you? For instance, I have so much to be happy about -- my mission papers are seriously 99.9% complete and I can be sent ANYWHERE in the WORLD! (One interview on Sunday... and they're in!) Yet sometimes I just feel like... "Man. This is the pits. What happened to my life." But yet again... one door has to close for another to open, right? BLAH. YAY! (Again, bipolar. I wasn't kidding.)

OH P.S. Last night I was YouTube stalking people opening their mission calls and TOTALLY found random people I knew in these mission call videos! So funny and creepy all at the same time. You think the world is small? Try being Mormon. And then go to BYU-Idaho. The world is smaller than ya'll think!

Oh yeah, 4. Lastly... I'm convinced that I'm going to marry a man that looks like Luke Bryan and sings love songs to me like Brad Paisley. And we will have cute little country babies that live in the city because after living in the hodunks of Idaho for three years, I can't stand the thought of being more than 30 minutes away from the closest Target. And then, the best part -- we're going to make meals and desserts from Pinterest for the rest of our lives and never get fat because we'll run 2-3 miles every morning together before he goes to work to make millions of dollars a day for our cute little family using his wit and charm doing whatever he does best. That's the plan and one freaking long run-on sentence.

See? This is what he looks like.

A few things.

FIRST OFF --

Who in their right mind bought a 50lb. bag of M&M's and put them in my pantry?! Let's just put a big "SABOTAGE" sticker on the bag. Because it's seriously killing me by the ounce.

Peanut Butter is by faaaaar my favorite -- but these peanut ones have been a delight. (Mom, I know you read my blog. When the bag is empty, just know that Mathew ate more than I did. I think.)


Secondly, I decided today at work that with my next paycheck I'm going to 1. Pay my bills for both October & November and then with my next paycheck... 2. Start my Black Friday Fund. (Donations are greatly appreciated by anyone who wants to generously contribute, by the way.) We were talking about Black Friday at work and I thought... I never have any money on Black Friday... I need to save for that this year! And I am. In 2009, I got SO much stuff at Express for SUCH a cheap price! Totally doing that again this year!

(Oh yeah -- can't forget to save money for Taylor Swift's new album! 12 days!)

Thirdly, I need a hair cut. Bad. My ends are so nasty. Lately I've been wearing my hair in a bun because my ends are just way to ugly to wear my hair down. I hate how fast my hair gets damaged. I will seriously trim 2 inches off, hoping it will grow -- but no, it doesn't grow. It just gets more and more damaged. Biotin worked once upon a time, but I also left that up in storage in Idaho... man.


Fourthly. WHOOOOO has an appointment with Bishop tonight to submit their mission papers? THIS GIRL! After this interview, off to the stake president and then ... BAM! Submitted by Sunday. SO STOKED!!!

Fifthly, I decided that life is going to be awesome after my mission. This difficult time will finally be in the past. I also decided I'm going to marry someone who is graduated and has a lot of money. Okay, just kidding. Sorta. But seriously, I'll be like 23... I gotta go after those senior boys with ambition and drive -- ya know what I mean? After all, those kind all want the "older" girls, right? The ones with that so-called thing known as "experience" and "maturity"? I hope so, ha!

Alright that was a joke. But I really do know life will be great in a couple years. In fact, it's great right now. Who am I kidding, I love my life. Trials and roller-coasters and ALL!

;)

Note To Self

This post is a public note to SELF.

Sometimes I forget that I set goals. Do you ever forget your goals? No wonder I can't accomplish them. No one can accomplish goals they forget about!

Lately I've been eating horribly! Seriously I HATE the fall because it's like... Out with the fresh, cold food and in with the candy, casseroles and baked goods!

Noooooo!

I have fitness goals and health goals that stay with me year round, but I seriously slack off when October hits... and this year I cannot let that happen.

I will publicly announce that I have lost about 10lb. since the beginning of this year. My goal is to lose 5lb. more, but that can't happen eating like poo. But I will also say -- it's crucial to forgive yourself for your mistakes. So, if you have that piece of pizza that you swore you weren't going to have... forgive it and forget it. Just eat the fruit next time. It's that simple.

Also, if you plan to exercise. And then you keep "planning on it" -- let's be real, it's not going to happen. If you wake up and are tempted to hit that dang SNOOZE button, DON'T DO IT. You're awake now, just get up! Postponing it until the night time won't make life easier. Take Nike's word for it and Just Do It.

Seriously. You NEVER regret working out. And plus, doing it in the morning not only wakes you up, but it makes your day a better one. (I've learned that from experience a million times over!)

Lastly, go to bed at a decent hour. It makes you feel better and happier.

:)

Love,

Self.

Ugh.

Sundays always hit me the hardest.

I'm hurting. Bad.

Words of encouragement? Good quotes? Anyone?

Called to serve.

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO ECSTATIC THAT I CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF!!!

Okay but for REAL. This whole new age change hasn't affected me nor my circumstances that much -- but it sure has gotten me giddy as the 19 year old girls starting their papers!

TRUTH BE TOLD: I started and finished my papers within the last two weeks. I was planning on keeping it a big fat SECRET but... this morning got me just too excited! So, those "plans" I've been talking about were definitely the mission. I started them before it was cool ;) BAHAHA!

But I'm SO excited for all of those sisters who have decided to also start their papers and serve a mission. I [personally] think it will become more of a "normal" thing to do for sisters -- the reluctancy of going due to the potentiality of marriage between the age of 18-21 is no longer an issue! WHOO HOO!!! Congrats to all those who decided to go as of today!

I have been anticipating this particular blog post for quite sometime. I just want to share with the world why I have chosen to go and what experiences brought me to this point.

Obviously, going on a mission was not the plan 6 months ago. And 9 months ago? Yes, yes it was. What about 12 months ago? No, no it wasn't. (As evidence shows, I've obviously been indecisive since birth.)

Before I even CONSIDERED serving a mission, I never wanted to go. However, I met Katelyn Freeman King, previously Sister Freeman, when she served in my ward when I was 19 years old during my first off-track semester from BYU-Idaho.

I went on a lesson with her and another sister missionary just for kicks one day, and the Spirit hit me like a ton of bricks. I was crying and shaking more than any other [tearless] person in the room. The Spirit I felt as I testified of Jesus Christ and the Book of Mormon to an investigator was one of the most moving experiences I've ever had in my life.

I immediately called my mom afterward and told her that I was so unsure... I had never felt that I should go on a mission before, so why now? At that point, I didn't necessarily feel that I should serve a mission, but the inkling... the little desire did come -- whereas, before it was NEVER there. My mom assured me, "Kendra... you have two whole years before you have to make that decision! Don't stress about it!"

Oh, I was stressing. I wanted to get married! But then I wanted to serve a mission! What was I to do?!

Well, I went on the next couple years to get my education and date... like crazy.

On December 31, 2011, I met Tyler. The very next day (YES, Jan. 1) I was sitting in a fireside unrelated to missionary work. The girl next to me was preparing to leave for Bolivia to serve a mission. I asked her, "What prompted you to serve?" And she replied...

"You know, it's just a move I had to make. I realized that the Lord wasn't going to tell me to go, nor was He going to tell me not to go. So, I put my papers in and just did it."

I left that fireside and just bawled to my roommate, Stephanie. I decided to call my family and tell them the news. I immediately contacted my bishop for the next Sunday to start my papers.

Then... I got to know Tyler. After much prayer and fasting, I felt like I should date him. So I did. And the rest is history.

As I've mentioned numerous times before, letting go of Tyler within the last month or so has been the biggest struggle of my life. Truly -- the hardest decision I have ever had to make. However, through this experience, I've been promised many things via Priesthood blessings, my Patriarchal blessing, the scriptures, and praying. After much thought, study, and prayer, I knew that without a doubt that in order to receive those blessings,  I had to make the decision to finally let him go.

Let me tell you... immediately after letting him go in my heart, the Lord blessed me with a clear mind. Then, as I studied the scriptures, I knew that the Lord needed me to serve a mission. As I've continued to let go of Tyler and move forward in this decision to serve a mission, the scripture Ether 12:6 has been made plainly manifest in my life. I know without a doubt in my mind that after I had the faith to actively listen and DO the Lord's will, He has blessed me with vision, perspective, and understanding of why things are the way they are and what His plan is for me. As a result, this new understanding of His plan for me has enabled me to listen and be patient in His timetable for my life. Also, this new ability to see things clearly as a RESULT of my obedience has helped me to realize the plans and great purposes the Lord has in store for me at this time.

So, in short, using my own agency to act in faith to do His will -- not my own, has truly blessed my life and has directed me on the path that He would have me go. With that being said, I know that the Lord has a plan for each of us. All we have to do is submit our full hearts to him and listen. He will answer our prayers and guide us, and He will never ever, ever leave us alone.

Looking back at the last few years, I'm so grateful that the age cap was still 21 years old and didn't change until now. I know that the last three years have shown me experiences that I wouldn't have gotten any other way. College, meeting new life-long friends, dating different people, being engaged, calling off my own wedding, and a hand-full of other experiences wouldn't have been able to teach me to trust in the Lord any other way. I've learned so much to prepare me for this time in my life and I will forever be grateful for the last three years' worth of trials and experiences.

Also, one last thing -- I know that serving a mission will undeniably strengthen me to become a better mother for my future children. That quote by Russell M. Nelson is a HUGE motivator -- and that very fact he stated inspired me to go from the very beginning of this process. I knew that if I let go of Tyler, listened to the Lord and served a mission, that the Lord would indeed bless me with a rockstar of a husband and an amazing family. He would also bless me as a mother as well as my children. Not only would going on a mission bless my future posterity, but I would also be able to bless my siblings and parents. If I can do anything for my family to bless them, then I will and I AM by choosing to serve a mission. I'm so happy and so excited that I can be an example to my family, especially my younger siblings.

"The decision to serve a mission will shape the spiritual destiny of the missionary, his or her spouse, and their posterity for generations to come." -Elder Russell M. Nelson

Thank you to all of you who have been, are and forever will be a part of my life and this experience.

I have 2 interviews and the papers are IN!

Someday... it will "begin again."

What in the WORLD would we do without a girl like Taylor Swift? I don't know, either. I don't know who else there would be to write music about my life.

Today I had that new song "Begin Again" stuck in my head. I like it... but I can't relate to it. Yet. Sommer even tagged me in a comment about it. "Kendra, have you heard it?!" Have I heard it? Seriously? OF COURSE I've heard it! And I like it.

Natalie called me today and we were talkin' about those stinky, rotten things that some call "men" but I still call "boys" and we had a nice little chat.

After experiencing a break-up, I think it's common for a lot of people to think, "Will I ever love someone that much again? Where am I going to find someone like him/her again? It seems borderline impossible to find someone else... let alone ever want to find someone else..." Am I right?

As I was talking to Nat, it hit me, again, as it has many times before. I don't know what the rest of my life has in store for me, nor do I know the young man that I know God is preparing for me. Although I absolutely hate him for "ruining" my life at the moment, I know that "when he walks into my life, it will all make sense why it never worked out with anyone else." And that's a FACT. I just.... "haven't met [him] yet." I know I'll love him... eventually.

This conversation also brought to mind a text message that a really good friend sent me at the beginning of all this. (To be honest, she sent it to me when I wrote the "I want to delete all of my engaged, married and pregnant friends" post.) I want to share it with you because I think we all could use a lesson from it. Facebook is so shallow and SO superficial... and SO artificial. And this girl is so RIGHT!

"If it's anything you can take away from all of this, it's that you have a whole lot of people who actually REALLY CARE about you and your feelings, even us married people. Let me tell you something -- even being married is so FREAKIN hard sometimes. There are trials and fights and heartache. So, I know you are going through a lot, but just remember that some people on Facebook make it look like it's full of only a world of joy and happiness and perfection, but it's not really like that. Real life isn't Facebook life. Real life contains ups, downs, smiles, tears, screaming, happiness, and sorrow. The people who post, "WE'RE PREGNANT!" DON'T post how many ties they've miscarried. The people who post "WE ARE ENGAGED!" DON'T post how many times they had broken up, or even fought... Or the girls who brag that their husbands surprised her with flowers at work don't post that he only sent her them because he had emotionally abused her the night before. So, please keep that in mind. And you know what? As much as you wanna have faith in the Lord to get through this, you need to also have faith in yourself and know that EVERYONE has things they go through, even if its secretly."

Love that girl.

I don't need to do anymore talking. She said it all.

p.s. 18 days!!! RED!!!

I love fruit snacks.

They're my obsession (right behind Nutella & Taylor Swift, of course). I grabbed a package of Walmart Smiley's... but then put them back. Because I refuse to let myself eat anymore! Seriously, if you want to get me a birthday present next year... choose the fruit snacks. Easy, cheap and somewhat less calories than a pan of brownies. (Although, I'd eat those, too -- no doubt with my track record lately.)

DID YOU KNOW? Some of my teeth are partly fake. I have bonds/fillings on my front two canines. They used to be super short... and made me look like I was 12. (Now I look 15! YAY!) Anyway -- there's not really a point to this paragraph other than the fact that I got a stain removed today from one of my fillings and it was exciting. I love my dentist. (Or, I just love him because he loves my teeth. Going to the dentist is always a boost to Kendra's self esteem. Judge all you want, I will admit it. I love my teeth.) Okay but really. I only share that because going to the dentist is always the highlight of my day. And that happened today. That's all.

Everyone says they can't tell a difference... but I can!

Before bonds were added to front canines (notice the spaces??):

After:

And, well... I'm much thinner now than high school. Thank goodness. Whenever I don't have motivation to go to the gym (or, let's be real - when I'm tempted to eat some more fruit snacks), all I need to do is browse through my senior pictures. (Gah, chipmunk cheeks anyone?! Let's just say... it's say it's a good thing running is a hobby & a permanent part of my lifestyle now.)

Speaking of the gym -- last story!

Today I was doing hip abduction/adduction things and there was this lady next to me on another machine. No joke, this woman was probably in her early 50's. She had bright red lipstick on and bangs circa 1998 (kinda like the ones I had in 6th grade if anyone remembers?) -- anyway and her friend comes over to her and they start staring at some random guy and talking about him so loud that I heard, "Oh yeah. Yellow shirt. So cute. He is SO cute!" So, naturally I look...

He's in his early to mid-twentites.

OH MY HEAVENS PEOPLE.

1. You have a RING ON! (well, her friend did - I couldn't see this lady's left hand)
2. YOU'RE LIKE 50!
3. Just work out and GO HOME!

L.A. Fitness = Meat Market for sure.

Am I the only one who goes just to get a solid work out and just go home? Apparently so because of course no one ever looks at me like that at the gym. I think it's because I don't do my makeup and wear my big hoop earrings like everyone else right before hitting the treadmill. But that's okay. I don't feel like being scoped out by some 50 year old pig lifting his 2,685lb. dumbbells.

Disgusting.

P.S. I was driving today in "5:00 traffic" and had to pee like a RACEHORSE! Thank you, Safeway, at 83rd & Camelback for letting me have the password to your restroom door. It will be forever remembered. (It's 1379# if anyone desperately needs it like I did - you're welcome.) Saved my LIFE. And my leather seats.

It is what it is and I don't like it that much.

Tonight I came home to this sign taped on my desk and a little 9 year old girl in my bed. I feel her pain.

As I mentioned in my "friends" post earlier, lately I've been told a lot that I'm an inspiration, courageous, strong, etc. Honestly, I'm really not. I come home or am up late on nights like tonight and just cringe and really struggle simply facing what is.

I write status updates and blog posts about having faith and inspiration because I need them as reminders for myself. It's not for others to "oooo" and "ahh" about. These posts aren't meant for you to think, "Oh, she's so strong." I'm really, really not.

Just ask Tyler... He can tell you what really goes on behind the scenes.

I'm a mess.

And tonight I'm not afraid to let you know.

This sucks.

Note to self: Joshua 1:9

Here's the thing. I have these moments, yet some days I feel like I'm on TOP of the WORLD. Especially considering I have a PLAN now. I should be happy 24/7, right? I know what I'm doing and where I'm going! (You may not -- but I do ;)

So, some days life's great, but I'm not. And tonight I'm not.

Note to self: Joshua 1:9. And repeat.

the best of friends!

Today has been so wonderful.

I just wanted to say how grateful I am for my friends. All of them.

Today I talked to a few on the phone and received messages from others that were so sincere and truly touching. Not only that, but I have friends that will call me just to see how I am. I don't think they realize how much they mean to me, so I just wanted to say thanks. Thank you for all of the love, support, prayers and simple phone calls just to say "Hi, I care about you."

Things that have truly touched me recently... and for things I am so grateful.

• An old friend from high school wrote on my wall today. It was unexpected and so sincere. Thank you.
• A few friends I have call me on a regular basis just to catch up. I look forward to these calls. Thanks, guys.
• I have others who will just text me and ask how my day is going. It puts a smile on my face for sure. Thanks!
• Occasionally I'll get a facebook message from someone telling me how much they love my blog! These messages are the best! Thanks so much -- I am glad someone out there is actually listening. (ok, reading...)
• An old roommate and I talked today about things. She was talking about how she just knew I didn't just call my wedding off out of nerves and that something must have been seriously wrong -- that Heavenly Father truly must stopped me. Then she said, "Kendra, I know how seriously you take marriage... and I know your relationship with the Lord." This gave me goosebumps. This simple sentence let me know... she believes in me. I love that girl.
• This one made my day. (If the sender is reading this, no comment.) "Hey cute girl how are you :)" I owe him cookies. The end.
• And then there's this one... "Dude, I miss you. I have decided that I cannot live without you. Let's be eternal friends! Deal? Cool!"
• Then another called me to catch up. We talked about how much we have learned through our life experiences -- she is the best.
• One friend offered to fly me to San Diego to stay at her house just to getaway! Unfortunately I couldn't because I have work... but it was so thoughtful.
• And then there are my sisters. They're plain awesome. (And crazy -- so be sorta jealous, but not too much.) But really. Be jealous.

But really. You mean a lot to me.

Thank you.

P.S. Just call me betty crocker... and this last picture should be entertaining and slightly suspenseful bahaha.

dads.

Today I ran across a blog with a list of interesting documentaries to watch for fun. I love watching documentaries -- favorite part of college/high school. I'd rather watch than read, anyway. You might find this one particularly interesting. I sure did.

It was fascinating watching this one, especially considering the fact that although I lived with both of my parents for 16 years, I currently live with a single mom. Seeing the differences between kids who are raised with a single parent vs. both parents has always fascinated me -- especially because I kind of fall right in the middle. My dad was there most of my childhood, but then again, I feel like he's been gone for centuries.

This documentary talks about fathers and how their body physically adapts to fatherhood as well as how their parenting/playing/disciplining differs from mothers -- and how their role is essential in the home to raising stable, secure children.

Of course, every father (whether in or out of the home) parents differently. Some fathers can live in the home and still be completely uninvolved in raising their kids while some fathers that live outside the home can still be involved, active parents.

This documentary just gives you something to think about... especially all of you young or prospective fathers out there reading/about to watch this. (Some without me even realizing it, like you Steven!)
More than anyone reading/watching, I hope the men can take it to heart.

Link: Biology of Dads

Playing "Big Sister"

This weekend I'm babysitting/nannying for a friend. Some might call it filling in for "Mom," but I see it as playing "big sister" for someone else's family. I basically just do the same things I do in my family when my mom is super busy -- like making sure they get food, get to school, etc. It's not bad at all, and, in fact, I've enjoyed it quite a bit. Well, first it keeps my mind off things because I'm so busy running someone to soccer practice and then another one to piano. Secondly, I love these kids. They're absolutely hilarious. (Yet again, it's sometimes hard emotionally because at times I wonder if the older kids even like me since I'm just a "babysitter" they have to listen to for 72+ hours rather than their own mom - but they can get over it ha.)

So, story time:

Have you ever been to a high school football game and been shocked by some of the kids there? Maybe I was blind in high school -- but sometimes I sit at Mathew's football games and I'm simply awed by at what I see and hear.

(Now, before I go on - call me judgmental, call me a sheltered Mormon, etc. I don't care. I'm not judging. I'm simply SHOCKED by the things I occasionally encounter at his games.)

For instance - There was one time we sat in front of a group of three girls who [in all seriousness] dropped the F-bomb every other word during their conversations about nothing but, if I can remember correctly -- sex, tattoos and alcohol. No kidding. I just thought, "And my brother goes to school with these girls? And more probably just like 'em?" Don't get me wrong, I know that not all high school girls are as vulgar as that. But let's be real. I was appalled. I mean -- make your own choices, do what you want, but if nothing else... pour yourself a glass of dignity and at least stay a little classy, will ya?

Well, on the contrary... I attended a private school's varsity football game tonight. I'll admit - at first I was skeptical. I thought, "This is nothing like a real high school's football game. It's too small...and everyone here is like 12." But then later on... as I people watched, I noticed a stark difference in the atmosphere.

PAUSE: Now - to avoid any misunderstandings here, I am not saying private schooled kids are better than public-schooled kids IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. A person is a person no matter where they go to school. Just because a person goes to a private school, it doesn't mean they're any better than a person who goes to a public school. I'm just saying that I noticed the difference in the atmosphere.

Back to my story -- it was so family oriented there. Although I felt like there indeed were a lot of 12 year olds there, all of the people I watched and listened to were so friendly and you could just sense something different there... Let's just say, I think these people just had a little more self-respect than others. Although I saw my fair share of booty-shorts (which, one pair is enough), the girls weren't half-naked and I didn't hear one swear word the whole night. I watched acquaintances briefly interact with each other and could just sense a genuine spirit of friendship and sincerity that emitted from them. It was truly peculiar.

By the 4th quarter, I found myself sitting near a group of girls. Similar to my experience at the other football game, there were 3 of them. However, my experience was much different and quite surprising this time around. I wasn't eavesdropping until I heard the words "God" and "husband."

PAUSE (again): Before any of you biased people out there assume she was a Mormon, she wasn't. I could tell she was probably a strong Christian. (Yeah, yeah. Mormons are Christians, too - but you know what I mean.)

Back to my story -- Seeing her in my peripheral vision, she was faced towards her friends talking about how she believed that in order to truly fall love someone, you must first truly love God and put Him first in your life. She said that once you learn how to love God, you can love that person more fully and completely - or something along those lines. Immediately my heart lit up. AMEN, SISTER! I sat there... in  amazement. "Wow. Someone else besides a Mormon who thinks the same thing."

As soon as she finished her thought, I went out of my comfort zone. I turned around and told her how much I appreciated her words and told her how much I agreed.

And then I went even further as to tell her within 30 seconds that I just called off my wedding because I knew that I had to put God and His will first. I had to trust Him and listen to Him before myself.

And then I turned around again and told her the first thing my mom taught me when my dad left our family... "Kendra, if you find a man who loves God more than you and puts God before you, he will never leave you."

And then we became great friends. She was an angel and truly the highlight of my night. This experience taught me that there are still people in the world with great values and believe in putting God before themselves. There are people who also want the same things as me and have the same goals as me that aren't of my same faith.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying that I'm better than you because I'm a Mormon. I'm not saying that I'm better than you because I have certain values that might be SOLELY different [not better] than yours. I'm not better than you because I do my best to put God first because you probably do, too -- and whether you do or not, it's not my business nor my place to judge. ALL I'm saying is that I was so grateful to hear someone of a different faith have some of the same goals and beliefs as me and those in my own faith. Those are the types of things that bring all of us of different faiths together. I LOVE IT!

Playing "big sister" has its unexpected perks for sure. Great night.

text message hangover

Have you ever text messaged someone (that you shouldn't even be texting) really late at night and then end up sending a text you normally wouldn't have if you were awake and conscious and in your right mind?

That definitely happened last night.

This morning I woke up wondering... "Was I drunk?!"

Pretty much. End of that story. Don't ask questions.

Today is hard. This morning was harder. And last night was the hardest.

It's so funny how one day you can feel absolutely on top of the WORLD and the very second the sun sets, everything changes. I truly believe that daylight and the sun symbolize light, truth and, essentially, joy. The word "day" has so much meaning to it. And then literally - night falls and suddenly your world can come crashing down. Sadness suddenly sets in and the sorrow (that you thought was gone for good) suddenly, once again, feels inevitable.

But I also believe in angels and the people God sends us for a reason. Mine today was Dominique Butler. And her pinning obsession.

Sorry, I basically copy/pasted my whole board on here. But this is the crap that kind of inspires me, so deal with it ha.

And last, but certainly not least.